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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24277243">we were drifting like two icebergs</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariiposie/pseuds/mariiposie'>mariiposie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, and as lumiere and babette, manifesting, ricky and gina as the beast and belle understudies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 00:48:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>27,776</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24277243</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariiposie/pseuds/mariiposie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“we were drifting like two icebergs, out on the ocean. i was doing all i could to keep you close.”</p><p>gina porter was back. her second semester at east high was officially on, and with the entirety of the high school experience in front of her, she was ready to take a step back, and enjoy herself.</p><p>apart from one thing she hadn’t factored in on her flight back. ricky had got back together with nini.</p><p>it’s okay, it’s fine. she’s fine. she’ll be alright. she’s perfectly happy rebuilding those walls up around her.</p><p>until she’s not. when she’s cast alongside him in the school’s production of beauty and the beast.</p><p>and everything comes flooding back.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ricky Bowen &amp; Gina Porter, Ricky Bowen/Gina Porter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>175</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. episode one - the afterparty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is not that good but !! i wanted to manifest everything i’d like to see in season 2 &lt;3</p><p>hopefully this will be episodic, so i’m planning on there being 10 parts for 10 episodes :))</p><p>if you can comprehend any of it, i hope you enjoy !! xxx</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She was leaning against the stonework of the outside wall of East High. Playing with the hem of her jumper, she watches as her breaths rise high into the cold air above her, swirling in the stillness of the winter night.</p><p>The beating of the music still plays loud, on repeat in her ears, plays in rhythmic time with her heartbeat as she leans her head back against the wall.</p><p>Gina was waiting for Ricky. </p><p>She was desperately hoping that just for today, things could go back to how they were before. Go back to normal. That they could walk to Ashlyn’s together and just talk and laugh and smile and catch up on everything that had happened whilst she had been gone.</p><p>That she could tell him that things didn’t need to change, that things could stay the same, that she would work something out that would mean she could stay here, at East High.</p><p>That she could break the silence of whatever it was that had happened between them. That they could pick things back up from where they had left them.</p><p>They’d always walked to class together, walked to rehearsal together, so for her, there was no reason for her to think otherwise.</p><p>And so she waited. </p><p>With a smile on her face, she thinks back to what had happened during the show, no more than an hour ago, but had felt like months.</p><p>The anxiety that bubbled deep in the pit of her stomach as she readied herself to walk back into the room, to see the faces of the people she’d left behind without so much as a goodbye.</p><p>The butterflies that swirled within her whenever she thought, even for just a brief moment, of how Ricky would react when his eyes would fall upon her from across the room. </p><p>She shakes her head, thinking of how it had actually played out.</p><p>Thinking of how awkwardly he’d strolled up to her, remarking that she was back, starting a sentence, telling her he was glad she was back before walking away from her without so much as a second glance.</p><p>Of the countless times she had played this moment on repeat in her head, the countless scenarios she’d imagined, this was one that she’d never even tiptoed near.</p><p>She ignores it nonetheless, chalking it down to pre-show anxiety. Forcibly ignoring that niggling feeling in the back of her mind that something had changed, something was different, and it was all because of her.</p><p>And so she waits, in the cold outside, hands wrapped around her arms in a vain attempt to warm herself up.</p><p>This was really dragging out. She should’ve just accepted Ashlyn’s offer of a lift back to hers. At least she wouldn’t be as impossibly cold as she was right now, at least she would be able to actually feel the tip of her nose.</p><p>But she knew, deep down she knew, that even just walking to Ashlyn’s with Ricky would be worth it. To once more see the way the moonlight bounced off his curls, to relive the way he would get nervous around her, looking at his feet, at his hands, anything to avoid looking her directly in her eye, because he knew that she knew what was happening between them.</p><p>She knows she romanticising it, she knows it’s going to be nothing more than a walk to Ashlyn’s, because she knows she won’t even be able to work up the courage to say what she’s been meaning to say since Homecoming.</p><p>Even if it wasn’t like that, even if it wasn’t eventful in anyway, even if it was just a walk to Ashlyn’s, she still looking forward to it. Just to feel herself relax in his presence. To feel things go back to normal.</p><p>She feels her phone buzz into life in her back pocket, and she’s broken out of her thoughts. Fingers barely avoiding the bitter sting of frostbite, she pulls it out, eyes running across the message on the screen.</p><p>“ash💞 : ur mom permitting,,,, ur now officially a caswell !!!!!!!”</p><p>Emotions not capable of holding themselves in, she jumps up and down in the air, a tiny squealing noise escaping her mouth. She was officially staying.</p><p>She knew her mom would agree to her staying. As seemingly mean as she made her out to be, Gina knew she couldn’t say no to stability, couldn’t say no to permanence for her daughter.</p><p>In the midst of overwhelming emotion, emotions she couldn’t physically contain, emotions that came bounding out of her like a March Hare, she couldn’t help but think back to what she had told Ricky, when they were in his kitchen before Ashlyn’s thanksgiving party.</p><p>“Everything around you is changing, and just when you’re getting used to it, things change again.”</p><p>She sighs, smile dancing across her lips, once more watching as her breath swirls in the stagnant air above her head.</p><p>Just once, she lets her mind drift, let’s herself think about things not going exactly as she had planned them out in her head.</p><p>Sure, they’d had their moment in the corridor, one that stuck out in her memory. Even just the way he’d smiled at her as she suggested they went and watched. But Gina wasn’t stupid.</p><p>She’d seen the way Ricky had looked at her, the fact that he’d stepped back for her.</p><p>The way his eyes lit up as she walked towards him. The way he’d held her tight, singing directly to her like everyone else in the room had disappeared. The way he smiled when he looked at her. At Nini.</p><p>She shakes it off. Things can’t change again. She refuses to accept it. It fast becomes a pointless notion.</p><p>As she hears the main doors of East High shunt open, she turns the corner to see if it was him, if now was finally her chance to talk to him again and tell him everything that played on her mind.</p><p>Sure enough, it was him. But he was smiling, giggling, laughing with her. Hand in hand with her. With Nini.</p><p>It’s like her stomach falls through, sinks to the bottom of her body.</p><p>Her hands launch off the brickwork. The wall had seen her through a whole almost 20 minutes of overthinking, but now she needed to leave, needed to get away.</p><p>She’s not crying as she runs, she’s not going to let herself cry over a skater boy. She’s just thinking. Again. She can’t help it.</p><p>When her emotions all boil over at once, she purposely tries not to express it physically. She just goes through it in her head, over and over and over again until she can make some sense of what’s going on.</p><p>So she does exactly that. Does enough thinking for a lifetime.</p><p>Can things between her and Ricky really have changed that much in a week?</p><p>Did the way he’d sent her 62 texts when she’d left just to see if she was okay, mean nothing?</p><p>Did the way he’d enthusiastically encouraged her to spend a day with him in one last send off to East High, only for her mom to tell her they were leaving a day early, have no significance?</p><p>Was the way he’d sung to her, the way he’d looked at her, the way he’d smiled at her something he did to all girls?</p><p>In the three weeks she’d classed him as a friend, he’d never do much as made a passing comment about Nini, let alone show he was harbouring any remaining feelings towards her in anyway. She’d known there was history, known there was still something lingering there, but a week?</p><p>A week without Gina there, without Gina by his side, was all it took for him to fall back to Nini?</p><p>She didn’t want to tell herself it all meant nothing, because to her, it meant anything but.</p><p>Too many questions. Too many thoughts floating around her head, colliding with each other as if she was hurtling through an asteroid field.</p><p>She had to be happy for them. She was happy for them. Above everything, Ricky and Nini were her friends. She didn’t want to sour the air between them, just because she didn’t get what she wanted.</p><p>So that’s what she focuses on. As she walks through Ashlyn’s door she consciously forces herself to burying everything deep, not let anything slip.</p><p>At the end of the day, it wasn’t her news to share with everyone.</p><p>The party is already in full swing as she steps in, music blaring loud in her ears, just topping off the sheer amount of stress that was currently coursing through her body.</p><p>She looks around for someone she knows, some semblance of familiarity with in the crowd of unknowns. She’s looking for Ashlyn and EJ.</p><p>The music pounds louder in her head, almost having a physical reaction within her, like she can’t see, can’t focus on anything. She’s still looking through the crowd, trying to make out a face she recognises.</p><p>Suddenly, as if from nowhere, Ashlyn and EJ are launching her into a hug, almost pulling her to the ground.</p><p>She’s smiling, wide and bright, but on the inside she’s internalising, like if she shows any glimmer of sadness, she’s suddenly making everything about her. This was Ricky and Nini’s night. She wasn’t going to take that from them, just because she was a little upset.</p><p>That what she tells herself as Ashlyn and EJ pull away from the hug, looking at her.</p><p>It’s a more than a massive spanner in the works when Ashlyn tells her she looks like she’s seen a ghost.</p><p>“Gina, are you okay?” Her legs are like jelly, adrenaline coursing through her body telling her to go, telling her to run.</p><p>Ricky would be turning up soon, but she doesn’t know if she can stomach everyone at the party gassing up Ricky and Nini the entire night.</p><p>She opens her mouth, everything threatens to pour out like word vomit. She needs to tell someone, anyone about everything that was running through her head, and there wasn’t anyone she trusted more at East High than EJ and Ashlyn. The only other person she trusted enough to hear out her deepest thoughts and feelings wasn’t exactly in a position to hear what she was feeling right now.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I’m fine it’s nothing, it’s-“ </p><p>As if on cue they stumble through the door, hand in hand and giggling.   Their eyes are only on each other. Immediately, they’re surrounded by their friends, chattering loudly over the constant thumping of the music.  </p><p>Gina can’t look. She pulls her eyes away, heading for the kitchen island. Resting on her hands, she takes a deep breath as she looks down at her feet. </p><p>When she looks up, Ashlyn and EJ are stood in front of her, on the other side of the countertop, a knowing look in their eyes. They glance at each other, a subtle nod, like they both know why this is happening, like they know exactly what’s going on.</p><p>EJ goes first. “This,” he pauses, choosing his words carefully. Gina’s eyes flick between him and Ashlyn, watching as they best try to breach the subject. “- This is about Ricky, isn’t it?”</p><p>Her eyes flit between them again, as both of them wait for an answer. She had never verbalised it, never articulated it before. She didn’t have anyone to talk about these things with. But now she finally did, she was struggling to get the words out. </p><p>So she doesn’t speak. She just nods, confirming their suspicions. </p><p>EJ and Ashlyn’s eyes meet again, as if they were trying to decide as to what route to take the following part of the conversation.</p><p>Gina rubs her hands over her face, rubbing the palm of her hand into her eye sockets, as if it’s magically going to calm her down. “Ugh.”</p><p>Ashlyn’s now beside her, her hand attempting to comfort Gina by rubbing circles on her shoulder.</p><p>EJ’s death glaring Ricky from across the room, cracking his knuckles in anticipation. “Do you need me to, y’know?” He swings his arm as a demonstration. “I can’t say I haven’t been waiting for that for a while.”</p><p>Gina’s shrugging it off, even letting out a laugh at EJ’s suggestion. “No, it’s my fault. He hasn’t even done anything wrong, I just-“ She groans again, unsure of how to coherently word her thoughts.</p><p>All she knew was that this wasn’t his fault. She knew how he was with people leaving. She knew how he was with change. Was she seriously supposed to expect him to put things on pause for her?</p><p>As much as she wanted to she didn’t blame him. He’d done nothing wrong. </p><p>She wanted to hate him. She probably would at some-point, closing herself back off from him. She wanted to turn away from him, not talk to him ever again and just ignore him. But she couldn’t. He hadn’t done anything.</p><p>And now she wanted nothing more to leave, to turn around walk back out that door and cry into her mom’s arms, and stay away from East High. But it wasn’t just Ricky now. </p><p>She had people here that actually liked her, that actually knew her. She had EJ, and Ashlyn and as much as she wanted to leave and run and get away, she couldn’t. Not now.</p><p>Ashlyn wraps her other arm around Gina, brushing her hair away and resting her head on her shoulder. “If you want, we can tell everyone to leave and we can sit on the sofa and watch Love, Rosie?”</p><p>Gina leans her head to the side, resting it on top of Ashlyn’s. “No, it’s okay. I don’t want to ruin everyone else’s night, just because.” Ashlyn moves, and Gina goes to sit up on the counter, her back facing where Ricky and Nini were answering Carlos and Kourtney’s incessant questions of how they’d got back together. </p><p>She grabs Ashlyn and EJ’s hands. “Besides, we’ve still got reason to celebrate, haven’t we? I’m a Caswell now.”</p><p>So, she tells herself that tonight she’ll forget about it. Or at least try to forget. You don’t exactly get many after show parties in one year, so she wasn’t going to spend it being jealous. That was put on hold until tomorrow.</p><p>She was actually going to let herself be happy for tonight. She was going to spend time with people who she actually knew liked her, and she was going to enjoy it.</p><p>Thankfully, she hadn’t actually seen Ricky or Nini for most of the night. She’d spent most of it dancing and eating snack foods with EJ and Ashlyn. Her new family.</p><p>When EJ got up onto a coffee table to sing his own rendition of Breaking Free, she decides its probably time for a break, heading to the kitchen for a drink. </p><p>For the second time that night she sits up on the kitchen countertop, and watches. Watches as EJ yells out the lyrics at the top of his lungs. Watches as Carlos clambers onto the table beside him to sing Gabriella’s part.</p><p>In all honesty, she was glad she had actually stayed for this. She was enjoying herself. And watching EJ embarrass himself in front of the entire theatre department was definitely a better distraction than whatever she’d had done if she had run back out the front door.</p><p>She’s still keeping it locked away. She’s not even going to think about it until tomorrow. And when she does think about it, it’s only going to be her. </p><p>But even just watching the crowd as she drinks, she can’t help as her eyes fall to Ricky and she looks at him, really looks at him, for the first time since she had come back.</p><p>He looks different. Something was different.</p><p>He’s not sat with Nini - she’s off dancing with Kourtney and Carlos and Seb. For now Ricky’s alone. She realises, remembers that other than herself, he really didn’t have many friends in the theatre group. </p><p>She’s half inclined to go and sit with him, just so he’s not awkwardly sat in the middle of the party as people dance around him. Other than Nini, she was the only one who really knew him.</p><p>Taking a swig from the cool Diet Coke can in her hand, she realises a movement next to her, someone joining her on the granite. Breathing in a deep breath, she looks up to find Big Red sat beside her, looking through the crowd just as she was.</p><p>She glances him, awkwardly making eye contact with him before looking away, looking back to the crowd. Instantaneously her eyes fall upon Ricky again.</p><p>Just for a moment she lets herself fall, lets herself think about how different tonight could’ve been. </p><p>A feeling like someone’s watching her grazes it’s way up her arms, sending goosebumps all the way to her spine. She rips her eyes away from Ricky, and looks to Red beside her.</p><p>He squints at her. The game is up. Ricky’s best friend knew she was staring at him from across a crowded room, as cliché as it gets. She jumps down from the counter, starting on the defensive. “I-“</p><p>Immediately he’s shaking his head at her, but not in an inherently negative way. “No, don’t worry, I’m not-“ He pats the countertop beside him, indicating that he wants her to sit back.</p><p>She hesitates, taking a step backwards. She didn’t know if he was going to tell Ricky and it was going to ruin their friendship and-</p><p>“Don’t worry, I won’t say anything.”</p><p>She ponders for a moment, before giving in and taking back her seat. This time, she purposely avoids looking in Ricky’s direction, instead watching as EJ performs the entirety of Bet On It, choreography and all. He even slaps a can full of Coke out of someone’s hand at one point, sending it flying across the room.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Red’s voice pipes up from beside her, and immediately her head flicks in his direction, looking directly at him.</p><p>“I’m okay. I’m perfectly fine, I’m good. Why wouldn’t I be?” He’s squinting at her once more, seeing right through her thinly veiled exterior. Way to go Gina. Way to make it blatantly obvious that you were not in fact okay.</p><p>“If it helps, although I don’t know why exactly it would at this moment, I could’ve sworn he was looking at you the exact same way at Ashlyn’s last party.” At that she can feel herself want to smile, but she suppresses its, brushing a loose curl behind her ear. So at the very least, she wasn’t just imaging the lingering looks, the smiles he shot her, even when she wasn’t looking. At least she wasn’t insane.</p><p>She frowns at Red, shooting him a questioning look. He understands what she means, and answers the question she didn’t even ask. “It’s not like he never talked about you, y’know? And as unaware as I may seem, it’s not like I don’t notice these things.”</p><p>She looks back at Ricky, a small smile now dancing across her face. A smile that’s immediately wiped off as she watches Nini dance over to Ricky, watches the light radiate from his face just looking at her. </p><p>It’s about Nini as much as it is Ricky. Nini was her friend now. Sure it hurt her to see them together, but ultimately, they were friends and she didn’t want to loose them because she was being jealous and selfish and stupid. </p><p>She tears her eyes away from them, looking back at Big Red, who was now giving her a sympathetic smile, combined with a comforting hand on the shoulder. “I may not be the smartest, but if I know Ricky, and I’m pretty sure I do, he’ll be-“</p><p>As the next song starts playing, appropriately Superbass by Nicki Minaj, someone pulls Red off the table with full force, dragging him into the middle of the room, which had seemingly become an impromptu dance floor. He didn’t get to finish his sentence. Ricky will be what? </p><p>The smooth vocals of Nicki Minaj start palpitating inside her head, and all of a sudden it’s too much. There’s too much going on. Leaving her drink on the side, she heads for the garden, heads for somewhere to breath, to calm down, to relax. To silence the thoughts that were currently going a mile a minute within her.</p><p>Opening the door, she steps into the welcome embrace of the cold air. She breaths in, feeling it course through her lungs, before breathing it out, and for the countless time that night, watching as it formed into a cloud and rose into the air above her.</p><p>She could already feel the tingle of the cold greeting her cheeks and the tip of her nose, but she ignores it, heading to the corner of the garden she knows is occupied by a swinging bench. </p><p>Feeling the crunch of crisp grass beneath her feet, she already feels grounded, the thoughts in her mind suddenly calmed and collected.</p><p>Thoughts that immediately start spinning, swirling, going Beaufort 12 through her mind when she sees him sat on the bench, looking down at his feet.</p><p>Ricky.</p><p>She turns to leave, but a single misstep onto an overly crunchy patch of ground alerts him of her presence. </p><p>“I can go-“</p><p>But he’s shaking his head, sliding across the bench, leaving her a space to sit beside him. He’s smiling at her, as if nothing has happened, as if nothing had changed between them. </p><p>He hadn’t so much as acknowledged her since their conversation in the hallway, since she’d taken a step back and let him do what he felt he needed to do. But now she was here, walking towards him, completely ignoring the blaring warning sirens in her head whilst everyone else was yelling Superbass at the top of their lungs.</p><p>Taking a seat beside him, she smiles, masking how she was really feeling. “Hey Wildcat.”</p><p>There’s an air of awkwardness between them, something that hadn’t happened since God knows when. It’s never been a struggle for them to just talk to each other, about literally anything, but Gina’s not going to lie and say she doesn’t know why this awkwardness is suddenly seated between them. </p><p>And so they just sit beside each other, looking back at the party that’s still going on inside Ashlyn’s.</p><p>Eager to shatter the silence that hung in the air around them, she starts a sentence not knowing where she was going to go with it. She begins, only to hear Ricky start one at the exact same time. </p><p>He snickers under his breath, almost like he’s laughing at this awkwardness of this entire situation.</p><p>“You first.” He reassures her, and suddenly she’s on a time constraint to piece the words together, and plan out the sentence she needed to say.</p><p>“So,” she pauses, before landing on what seemed like a smart option at the exact moment she chooses it, “You and Nini huh?” But as soon as the words leave her lips she regrets it, almost cringing at how clunky it sounded.</p><p>Her heartbeat’s in her ears again. She ignores the constant pounding, listening only to Ricky beside her. That and the caterwauling of the Superbass chorus growing ever louder from Ashlyn’s living room. </p><p>She listens intently as he chuckles under his breath again, before humming a response. “Yeah, it’s weird how things work out.”</p><p>She exhales, letting out a breath she wasn’t even aware she was holding. She’s sat forward on the seat, like she’s ready to get up and run out and away from the situation as quickly as a penny drops, whilst Ricky’s leant back deep into the bench, arms sprawling across the backrest. She’s never seen him this comfortable before. And he’s probably never seen her this on edge before.</p><p>Realising that he’d never finished the sentence he had begun, she breaks the silence once again, turning to look at him over her shoulder. “What were you going to say?”</p><p>He shakes his head, still smiling at his feet, almost like he’d completely forgotten then were having a conversation. It was weird. The entire thing was just weird.</p><p>He breaths in once more, before he continues the sentence he had begun. “I was just going to say,” he hesitates, like he’s finding the right words to say, “- I’m glad you’re back. Even if it is just for tonight.” He nudges her with his elbow. </p><p>She still on edge, but nonetheless she shifts, sitting further back in the seat, leaning up against the backrest. She can almost feel his hand brush against the back of her neck.</p><p>Taking in one more sharp breath, she hesitates, waiting for the perfect time to tell him she was staying. She knew she had to tell him at some point. This wasn’t a thing you put off till the very last moment. So once more they sit in quiet, in each other’s presence, looking up at the stars and listening to EJ singing Mr Brightside at the very top of her lungs.</p><p>After a while, she looks back at Ricky, trying to judge his emotions, what he was thinking, why he, the star of the show, was sat out here on a wet wooden bench, whilst everyone else was partying inside. </p><p>She supposes he could ask her the same question.</p><p>When she turns to look at him again, she finds his eyes already on her, immediately looking away as she looks at him. </p><p>It’s weird. Did she need to think it was weird again? Because this was weird. </p><p>Clenching her jaw, she realises that a part of just wants to yell at him, stand up and shout at him at the top of her lungs, getting everything out of her. </p><p>To ask him why.</p><p>A week. A week was all it took to forget about her and fall back to Nini? She wants to scream it in his face.</p><p>Collecting herself and her thoughts, she holds it in. She needs to break the silence again. It’s deafening, and she can’t go another second with it stood like a wall between them. Wracking her brain for something, anything to make it less weird. One rouge thought sticks out to her like a sore thumb, so without even thinking about it beforehand, she says it.</p><p>“What were you going to say when I first walked in?”</p><p>Tilting his head, he frowns at her, clearly unsure of what she was talking about. He might not remember, why would he? But she does. She remembers the two words that have no business being as loud in her memory as they do. And as much as she wants to just pretend she’d never said it, she stupidly continues, walking a very fine line. </p><p>“When I came back, when you first saw me I mean. You said I wish or something?”</p><p>She hears him take a sharp breath, before turning to her, hands together in between his knees. She can see the reflection of the full moon in his eyes, but she looks past that, looks right at him.</p><p>“I guess- I don’t know.” She can almost hear him trying to formulate an answer in his mind. He sits forward, leaning so his elbows are resting on his knees. He’s looking at her from below, he’s looking up at her. She suppresses a smile.</p><p>“I guess- I wish that you were here for longer.” </p><p>Unable to hold it all inside her, a smile spreads across her cheeks, plays on her lips. “About that-“</p><p>Immediately his eyes light up, and it’s like things shift, like things go back to how they were before.</p><p>“You mean-“ The very same smile is suddenly on his face, his eyes going wide.</p><p>She nods. Before she knows it she’s being lifted up off her feet and spun around in the air, as Dancing Queen sings out around them.</p><p>His arms lingered on her waist, hers on his arms. This was wrong. She pulls back, taking a step backwards away from him.</p><p>She couldn’t do it. She didn’t want it to be like this, she couldn’t be around him.</p><p>“I should-“ All but running, she heads back inside. Being around Ricky - it wasn’t just hurting her. She knew how it looked, how those lingering looks and touches looked, especially knowing that Red had noticed it too. </p><p>She liked Nini and she promised herself that she wouldn’t hurt her.</p><p>Unless Red was lying to her too.</p><p>Greeted but the sweltering heat of the inside of the party, her breath is taken away. She can’t breathe, her heartbeat quickening.</p><p>As soon as she enters the room, someone’s grabbing her wrist and pulling her to the side. She looks down and sees Nini’s face smiling back at her.</p><p>“Hey! Ashlyn told me the news!” Sincerity laces her voice, and as Nini envelopes in her in a hug it takes everything in her not to breakdown and storm out.</p><p>“Thanks,” Gina hears her voice break, but she ignores it, ignores that and the intense feeling of dryness within her throat, “- Have you seen Ash and EJ?”</p><p>Nini nods, directing her to Ashlyn’s bedroom. “Hey-“ As Gina turns to run and find Ashlyn before she explodes with emotion, Nini looks at her one more time, studying her eyes. “Are you okay?” Gina holds her breath, just nodding before running off to find Ashlyn.</p><p>Even as she hears the door to the back garden open, hears Ricky greet Nini, she doesn’t turn around, she just beelines straight for Ashlyn’s.</p><p>Collapsing onto her bed, she buries her face into Ashlyn’s pillow.</p>
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<a name="section0002"><h2>2. episode two - the auditions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>episode two - the auditions</p><p>after spending three weeks settling into the caswell household, it’s finally audition time for the next year’s musical - beauty and the beast.</p><p>auditions were usually a piece of cake for gina.</p><p>she just didn’t expect this one to involve so much unnecessary drama.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>gm gamers ! </p><p>there’s a heap tonne of side plot in this. mainly concerning kourtney and ej, so i hope you enjoy :)</p><p>also threw in a cheeky helping of eye contact from across the room :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>TW : PANIC ATTACKS</p><p>Gina had spent the two weeks leading up to Christmas with her Mom, spending as much time with her as possible as she could. It was hard. She knew she was going to love it at Ashlyn’s, that she was going to be cared for and it would be better for her in the long-term. But it’s still hard leaving your home, your rock. The woman who made you, who birthed you, the one person you can talk about whatever to, the one person who was always there for you. </p><p>So yeah. She was under no illusion of how hard it would be.</p><p>The plan was to fly back to SLC on the 27th, so in those two weeks, she crammed in as much time spent with her Mom as she could, Christmas Market trips, Ice Skating - the works. On Christmas Day they spent the entire day making dinner together, sitting down to eat it over a cheesy old Christmas film, with Gina eventually falling asleep with her head on her Mom’s lap as she stroked her hair, together under one big blanket.</p><p>When the day came for her to leave, to go back to SLC, and Gina found herself sitting in the passenger seat of her Mom’s car for one last time, she couldn’t help but well up. Her Mom was crying too, asking if she had all the essentials through suppressed sniffles. They were both trying to make the moment less emotional than it needed to be. Watching as she left, as her Mom slowly faded into the distance as she passed through the gate, there was no turning back, no changing her mind.</p><p>As soon as she landed in SLC she was immediately rushed by Ashlyn, who pulled her into a massive hug, almost knocking the suitcase beside her to the ground. It felt good to be back. And it felt even better to finally allow herself to form bonds, to make relationships, without having a deep-rooted fear that it was all going to be ripped from her without warning, at the drop of a hat.</p><p>She only had a couple of days to adjust to the Caswell household, get to know everyone’s comings-and-goings, their routines, their house, before Ashlyn’s parents ended up throwing a huge family party for New Years’. Huge was an understatement, she was talking about extended family. Like cousins, second-cousins, great aunts, uncles-twice-removed. All gathered together under one roof. And in that moment, dancing with Ashlyn and EJ and one of their weird cousins from Delaware, Gina finally feels home. That this is where she belongs.</p><p>A few days later, bored out of their minds, she and Ashlyn end up cracking out an old can of pastel yellow paint they found under the stairs and painting the walls of Gina’s new room. Except, halfway through the first wall, they realised that neither of them were tall enough to reach the top corners, and they have to call EJ round to help them paint the rest of the room for them. Eventually they all wind up collapsed and squashed together onto the one sofa in the front room, crying to the ending of Becoming Jane.</p><p>Before she came to East High, Gina had never even been to a sleepover before. But now? She’s having them every night, talking to Ashlyn through the walls until the early hours of the morning. She was like a completely new Gina, a different Gina. And it was a good different. It was refreshing.</p><p>Two days before school starts again, Miss Jenn sends an unnecessarily perky message to the theatre kid group chat announcing that, with way too many emojis used, the musical they were doing this year was Beauty and The Beast. In a second message laced with sarcasm, she added that “Auditions will be on the first day back, so we have enough time to make sure things can run smoothly this time!”</p><p>In the three weeks of winter break, Gina hasn’t spoken to, seen, or even thought about Ricky.</p><p>But when she hears his name thrown around in casual conversation by the other theatre kids, as she and Ashlyn wait around in the corridor for auditions to begin, she can’t help but tense up. Ashlyn immediately knows what’s up, shooting her a sympathetic frown. “What are you gonna do if you see him?”</p><p>Gina readjusts herself, instinctively straightening her posture, relaxing her shoulders and holding her folders closer to her chest. “I’m not planning on it.”</p><p>That’s when someone suddenly barges past her from behind her, almost knocking her into Ashlyn.</p><p>As soon as he’s done it, Ricky’s turning back around as if to apologise, reaching a hand out to her. Once he realises it was Gina he had knocked into, his eyes look to hers and his mouth immediately opens to speak. His eyes flick their focus between both of hers for a moment, before he swallows the words that had been on the tip of his tongue, turns back around and continues down the corridor towards the exit of the school.</p><p>His eyes were red, his cheeks stained with tears. He’d been crying.</p><p>Gina hears another pair of footsteps move behind her, rushing to follow Ricky. Big Red puts his hand on Gina’s shoulder, briefly apologising for the fact that Ricky had almost taken her out, and then all but runs after him down the corridor.</p><p>Her eyes are fixated. She can’t pull her eyes from the scene playing out in front of her, as Ricky storms his way down the length of the corridor, Big Red in-tow. She can’t get the look of his face out of her memory, the sadness that looked as if it was etched into his very being.</p><p>Ashlyn’s hand is suddenly waving in front of her eyes, grounding her and bringing her back to reality. “Hello? Earth to Gina?”</p><p>She looks back to Ashlyn, a slight frown painted across her lips. “Yeah, I’m present.”</p><p>She quickly shakes the feeling, looking around the crowd, scanning the crowd for a familiar face. “Have you seen EJ?” Concern laces her voice.</p><p>Ashlyn goes up onto her tiptoes, looking around for herself, but ultimately fails to see his face in the crowd.. “Huh. That’s weird.”</p><p>Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she opens EJ’s contact, typing out a message asking him where he was, that she just about gets the time to send, before the doors to the auditorium get shoved open, and the crowd of nervous, anxiety-ridden theatre kids start funnelling into the room, clustering into a buzzing group up on the stage.</p><p>Gina and Ashlyn are at the back of the pack, following slowly behind as they scan the entirety of the group for any sign of EJ. Nothing.</p><p>Then she looks around the seating of the auditorium. Her ears prick as she hears a heavy, repetitive breathing coming from one of the plush auditorium seats that lined the aisle they were walking down. Stopping Ashlyn in her tracks, and lightly grabbing her wrist she leads her to the source of the noise.</p><p>Sat in the gap between the seat and the back of the row in front, with his head between his legs was EJ, clearly in the middle of a panic attack. His left leg was bouncing up and down, his face white as a sheet. He was fanning his face with one of his hands, as if to cool himself down. Gina moves to the side, allowing Ashlyn to rush forward and crouch down beside him.</p><p>“Are you okay?” He looks up at her, clearly not okay. “You don’t need to answer that.” He rubs his eyes, looking up at the ceiling of the auditorium, breathing still heavy and laboured. Gina works her way down the aisle of chairs behind him, so she can crouch beside him as well. </p><p>Ashlyn rests a hand on his shoulder. “Do you need anything?” He shakes his head, consciously trying to slow his breathing down. They’re careful not to crowd him, so he can still breath in cool air.</p><p>“It’s just a lot - last musical before I leave East High, it’s just hitting me. Y’know?” Gina knows. Change can be a lot to handle</p><p>Ashlyn’s shaking her head, telling him to just focus on breathing, only on his breathing. He finds the energy in his legs to lift himself onto the seat of one of the chairs. Ashlyn climbs up into one too, and Gina clambers over the back of the chair to sit on the other side of EJ.</p><p>“Do you want me to call your Mom?” Ashlyn’s phone is her hand, her finger already hovering over the contact.</p><p>EJ shakes his head. “I’m better. I’m out of it.” He lets out one big breath, wiping the palms of his hands on his trouser legs. “Sorry, it just came over me all of sudden. I can usually tell when they’re coming on.”</p><p>“Don’t apologise for anything.” Gina smiles sympathetically at him. </p><p>Suddenly EJ’s standing up, moving past Ashlyn and heading for the stage. “EJ, do you really think you’re up for this?”</p><p>He’s still walking away from her. “Yup.”</p><p>“EJ.” He sighs, turning back around toward Ashlyn, pulling her into a hug. </p><p>“I promise.” EJ puts out a hand pulling Gina into the hug. They stay there for a moment in the hug, until they see Miss Jenn and Carlos making their way onto the stage.</p><p>They turn to head up to the stage, but not before Ashlyn looks at EJ once more, her face marked with a look of concern. “Okay, but promise me if you feel another one coming on, you’ll tell me in advance, so we can actually help you through it.” </p><p>He holds out his pinkies for both of them to interlock with theirs. “I promise.” There’s a sincere smile on his face. “I’m gonna have to tell the therapist about this one.”</p><p>As EJ, Ashlyn and Gina clamber their way up the steps to the stage, Miss Jenn’s twirling around, the dress she was wearing flowing out behind her as she did so. As much as she acted like it was, it so clearly wasn’t coincidental that she was wearing a yellow dress. Carlos is following behind her, weighed down by Miss Jenn’s folder and notes.</p><p>As she announces their plans for the auditions in an over the top sing-songy tone, Gina shoots one last look to EJ, double checking if he was okay. Tentatively, he smiles, mouthing a thank you at her.</p><p>She turns back to look at Miss Jenn, just in time to catch the end of her sentence. “- where are Ricky and Nini?” Everyone looks around. A voice from the back of the group shouts out “and Red”.</p><p>“Yeah, him too.” Miss Jenn’s tapping her foot loudly against the hard stage floor, her gaze running over every seat in the auditorium, the vain hope that her star students will be sat there somewhere.</p><p>In the time that Miss Jenn spends waiting for her star pupils to make an appearance, Gina gets a chance to look around the group. All the regulars, beside Nini and Ricky. A new face in the form of Kourtney stands near the back of the crowd by herself, playing with her fingers and nervously biting her lip. When she looks up and sees Gina looking back at her, she smiles widely at her. </p><p>Gina waves a hand at her, asking her over, so she’s at least stood in the company of friends, instead of hesitantly waiting by herself for Nini.</p><p>“Are you sure?” She mouths from across the room. Gina nods, smiling brightly, and Kourt heads over, being greeted by warm smiles from Ashlyn and EJ.</p><p>After another minute or two of waiting around, Gina nudges Kourt. “Are you excited?”</p><p>Kourt’s nodding enthusiastically, the curls on her head bouncing in time. “As excited as I’ll ever be. I’ve just never let myself do anything like this before.”</p><p>Ashlyn shifts round so she’s part of the conversation. “Why not? You’re an amazing singer.”</p><p>Kourt nods thankfully. “Theatre always felt like Nini’s thing, I didn’t want to come and steal her thunder.”</p><p>Ashlyn speaks again. “It sucks that she made you feel that way though.”</p><p>Kourt shakes her head, clearly not wanting to blame her best friend for why she’d never had the confidence to audition before. “I don’t think it’s entirely her fault though - I was happy taking the backseat for her.”</p><p>Gina’s brow furrows slightly. “She shouldn’t be able to shape what your interests are though.”</p><p>Kourt finally nods, accepting at least a little bit of what they were saying, before nudging both of them slightly with her hands. “I’m here now though, aren’t I?”</p><p>“And you’ll be amazing like you always are.” Gina watches as a blush rises upon Ashlyn cheeks as Kourt smiles wide at her in response to her compliment.</p><p>“Thanks Ashlyn.”</p><p>After another longer wait of 5 minutes, as everyone was deep in conversation with the people around them, Miss Jenn finally clears her throat. “Well,” She stands up on her tiptoes, once more looking to the door, just to double check that Ricky and Nini absolutely weren’t going to come rushing through at the last possible moment, “I guess we should get started.” There’s a hint of despondence laced in the infliction of her words, that she was let down that her favourites weren’t here.</p><p>As she announces that the boys’ auditions were to go ahead first, Gina takes one last look at EJ, triple-checking that he was definitely okay to do this, and sure enough, the colour had trickled back into his face, and he looked considerably less antsy than he had before.</p><p>He ends up taking to the stage first. As the music starts playing Gina, Ashlyn and Kourt shoot him an encouraging thumbs up, and sure enough he winds up smashing his audition. Completely blows it out of the water. Gina’s even pretty sure she heard Carlos lean into Miss Jenn and whisper “he actually emoted”.</p><p>As EJ comes to sit back down with the rest of them, they all gas him up, telling him he had Beast in the bag, commending how well he did, especially considering how he was no more than ten minutes earlier.</p><p>A new kid she doesn’t recognise at all, someone called Howie auditions next, and although she doesn’t even know how he would’ve known auditions were starting today because he wasn’t even in the group chat, he still steps up and does a pretty good job. During his audition she looks over to EJ, who was sat beside him, and she’s pretty sure she sees something, maybe a sparkle, in the way he was watching Howie perform. She can’t quite put her finger on it. She doesn’t have time to dwell on it though, because before long the girls start being called up to audition.</p><p>Kourt goes first, hesitantly taking her place on the stage, encouraged by more supportive smiles and cheers from Gina, EJ and Ashlyn. Especially Ashlyn.</p><p>When the music starts up, and Kourt starts to sing, it’s almost like the ground starts to tremble with the sheer power of her voice, her golden notes grasping the full attention of everyone in the room. It’s literally like she’s a professional Broadway singer, she’s belting effortlessly, taking the room by a stranglehold.</p><p>It’s completely silent as she finishes her last note, everyone gobsmacked of what they had just heard. The fact that she had never even auditioned for a musical before this one. Ashlyn leads the applause, enthusiastically clapping, easily the loudest in the room, as Kourt smiles nervously and walks back to join the rest of the group.</p><p>She smashed it. And when she says smash it she means it’s an absolute shoe-in, like unless Miss Jenn has a severe and continuous lapse in her judgement, there’s no way on the face of the planet that Kourt won’t be playing Belle.</p><p>When she sits back down, everyone’s immediately gassing her up, just like they had done with EJ before her.</p><p>“You’ve got this in the bag.” Ashlyn smiles brightly at her.</p><p>There still seemed to be an uncertainty dancing across Kourt’s eyes, almost like she doesn’t feel as though she deserves the praise she was receiving. It was like some deeply ingrained thing, almost as if playing second-fiddle to someone your entire life ends up significantly impacting upon your own confidence levels.</p><p>Ashlyn goes next, obviously singing as perfectly as she always does, as Gina always hears from her room whilst she’s trying to sleep. She comes backs to perfect reviews. </p><p>Auditions were going pretty well so far. With everything going on she hadn’t even had time to think about Ricky knocking her over, she hadn’t even thought about the way he’d looked into her eyes like something was playing right on the top of his tongue threatening to leap out.</p><p>She’d had three weeks without him to get over him. Get over what had happened. She wasn’t full out of the woods yet, but she was pretty damn close.</p><p>And then Gina’s getting called up to audition. It’s her turn. She stands up in front of the entire group, closes her eyes and forgets. Forcibly pushing out the thoughts that kept invading her brain, especially now she’d taken two seconds to dwell on them. No thoughts about Ricky, no thoughts about Nini, no thoughts about where either of them could possibly be right at this second, and especially no thoughts on why Ricky looked like he was crying earlier.</p><p>She forgets. She takes one last deep breath, hears the music start and starts singing, channelling as much emotion and meaning into the words as she can.</p><p>All things considered, it was going pretty well. As well as she could’ve hoped it was. </p><p>She’s nearing the end of the first verse, singing her little heart out when she hears the door of the auditorium very loudly shunt open, and two steps of footsteps hurriedly rushing in. </p><p>Opening her eyes, she watches as Big Red, with Ricky in tow behind him, cumbersomely climbs onto the stage. Ricky launches his guitar onto the stage, making the biggest crashing noise, before he drags himself up after it.</p><p>She’s still singing, albeit quieter, but she’s doing all she can to ignore the distractions around her. </p><p>That is until Red speaks loudly over her, and she’s forced to stop. “We’re here, he’s here, less importantly I’m here, but we’re ready to go.”</p><p>“Where’s Nini?” Miss Jenn stood up, looking at Ricky and Red.</p><p>This was supposed to be Gina’s moment. Her audition. It was supposed to be three minutes when, for once, the entire focus was on her, the words she was singing. The emotions she was trying to convey. Three minutes where she wouldn’t be treated like a side character. And instead all eyes, all thoughts were on the whereabouts of another girl. On Nini.</p><p>Why her? Why did Ricky have to do this to her? Some small part of her, a little voice in the back of her head still tries to tell her he’s done nothing wrong.</p><p>Gina lets out one massive breath. Honestly? This was the worst this could have possibly gone. She was here, singing her heart out only for Miss Jenn to turn and ask where the next girl was? The one girl Gina tried so deeply not to be jealous of. But it was hard. It was so hard not to be jealous when the favouritism in the room was so deafening loud, and the boy that chose Nini over her is now interrupting the one audition she gets.</p><p>At the mention of her name, Big Red immediately speaks up. “Do not speak that name. Do you know how hard it was to get him here? I don’t need him running back out again.”</p><p>Miss Jenn opens her mouth, but shoves the words back in and nods, before sitting back down and pointing to Gina, indicating for her to start her audition again.</p><p>But it’s hard to focus again. When you get interrupted halfway through a performance, especially when it’s done by a boy you used to be able to tell anything to before he turned around and went to the girl who clearly was better than you in every way.</p><p>She wasn’t going to let the emotion show on her face. She was building the walls back up, and she wasn’t planning on letting Ricky back in. He hadn’t even said anything. It was the way he was acting. </p><p>As hard as she tries not to, she hesitates. Gina knows his eyes are on her, so she’s not surprised that when she looks up their eyes lock, just for a moment. His eyes still looked red, like tears had just freshly fallen out of them. </p><p>She’s pretty sure everyone can feel the tension in the room, as everyone’s eyes flit between Ricky and Gina, Ricky and Gina.</p><p>Taking another breath, she questioningly looks to Ashlyn for help, furrowing her brow, silently asking her what was going on. Ashlyn reads her perfectly, but shrugs, clearly as confused as she was.</p><p>She knows his eyes are still on her, she can tell, she feel his gaze ripping through her, but she’s still look at Ashlyn, who’s turning to Kourt to ask her if she knew what happening either, but Kourt shrugs too, clearly as in the dark as everyone else was.</p><p>Gina knows she has to sing soon. And so she breaths in, clearing her mind. ‘Start from where you were,’ she’s telling herself. ‘You were doing perfectly fine, don’t get distracted.’</p><p>She just about manages to force the first word out, her eyes falling to land their gaze upon Ricky all the while, until immediately there’s the echo of a phone ringing somewhere in the room.</p><p>Kourt’s eyes go wide as realises it’s her phone that’s disrupting the performance, and they go even wider as she reads the name written across the screen. She stands up, smiling apologetically at Gina and the rest of the group, before all but running out of the auditorium, one hand holding her phone to her left ear, the other covering her right ear so she can hear the person’s voice on the other end more clearly. “Nini? Where are you?”</p><p>Gina bites her lip, wanting nothing more than to scream out, to vent her frustration. It’s the one time she slips, falters slightly in her expression, and almost instinctively she looks back to Ricky, who smiles, kindly and warmly at her when her eyes meet his. </p><p>This was the last thing she needed. Right at the bottom of the list, she was pretty sure. Yeah, there at number 26270 of things she didn’t want to happen at this audition was “Have Ricky Bowen staring holes right through your soul, making you feel infinitely guilty for closing yourself off from him, putting a wall between the both of you, whilst you’re stood in front of all your friends.”</p><p>“Gina, please.” And then Miss Jenn’s pointing at her, prompting her to continue, and she has to ignore it all, completely ignore the way Ricky was looking at her, and instead get out the words she’s spent a week rehearsing, specifically for this moment.</p><p>She shuts her eyes for the third and final time, blocking every single thing out. Her focus is only on the words, on their meaning, on their emotion. She’s gets all the words out as well as she can manage, insistently trying to shove out the thoughts that were running through her mind, the rising level of anger she was beginning to harbour towards Ricky.</p><p>Even still, the first face she sees as soon as she opens her eyes is Ricky’s, looking straight at her, his eyes wide.</p><p>Completely ignoring the look on his face, she rushes to sit beside Ashlyn. She doesn’t let the tears fall. She was above this. Instead, her jaw tightens, and she quickly wipes the palm of her hands across her jeans.</p><p>Ashlyn rests her head on Gina’s shoulder, whispering to her out of earshot of everyone else, “Just ignore him.”</p><p>EJ looks over, realising what was going on. “Are you 100% sure you don’t want me to - you know,” he swings his fist a couple of times again, just like he’d threatened to do at Ashlyn’s party.</p><p>“Honestly?” Gina swallows deeply. Her mouth was dry, like desert dry, and she struggles to get it down properly, rasping against the dried sides of her throat. She was burying everything deep. The only thing she let rise to the top, above the rest of her swirling emotions, was that passive-aggressive streak, the one she gives people before they get a chance to get close to her. “I don’t think you’re going to get a chance to, before I go and it myself.”</p><p>They say the definition of insanity, is doing the same action and expecting a different result everytime. That definition sticks out in her head as she looks back over the crowd, immediately making eye contact with Ricky again as he stands up, ready to take his place on the stage.</p><p>She’s going crazy. She knows it. Everytime she looks at him, a different emotion overcomes her, and though she doesn’t exhibit them, her gaze hard and cold, she still feels them deep within the pit of her stomach. </p><p>She shakes her head, breaking herself out of the funk. Leaning back on Ashlyn like they had so many times before, she asks her, “Is Kourt okay? What’s happening?”</p><p>Ashlyn sighs deeply. “I know as much as you do Girlie.”</p><p>Ricky finally gets his audition, even though he was a whole half an hour late. He’s bring out the guitar again, placing the strap around his neck and clearing his throat.</p><p>He only manages to strum out one note before someone from the back of the group is shouting out. “Sing a song from the musical this time.”</p><p>The entire group, including Gina and Ashlyn lets out a stifled laugh, snickering under their breaths, giggling to themselves, until Miss Jenn clears her throat, clearly telling everyone to stop.</p><p>Gina watches as Miss Jenn smiles brightly and warmly at Ricky, in a way she hadn’t smiled to anyone else during their auditions.</p><p>He opens his mouth to sing for a second time, and Gina swears, just for a moment, through the crowd of unknown faces he’s looking decidedly at her for reassurance.</p><p>That was the thing about her and Ricky. They got each other, they had each other. They were both outsiders, they understood each other. </p><p>At least she thought they did.</p><p>Even just seeing that look on his face she can’t stop her jaw from tightening, she can’t stop the way she turns her nose up at him. She doesn’t know why she does it. It just happened. It was her go to response. Her defense mechanism. Shutting herself off.</p><p>She’s still watching him though, she doesn’t take her eyes off him. Watching as, under her suddenly harsh and cynic gaze, he wrenches his jaw nervously, swallows deeply and frowns slightly.</p><p>He sings. Even just listening to the infliction of his voice, the voice she once sat and listened to so admiringly, so earnestly, so longingly, she feels some deep-pitted festering resentment for him. Like he can be so okay, so nonchalant about this entire thing. That he can go off and be so happy with Nini, whilst she’s all but broken inside, broken from the way he went back to her so quickly, so insistently.</p><p>She still knows - or at the very least she’s telling herself - that’s done absolutely nothing wrong. It was fated that he would end up with Nini. They’d been waiting till Kindergarten for the penny to drop, and it finally did. Everyone else around her, excluding Ashlyn and EJ, seemed to think it as well, that it was destiny that it was them. </p><p>It was Ricky and Nini. Nini and Ricky. Everyone knew that. </p><p>But now, for whatever reason, Nini’s not here for auditions. It was just Ricky. The same Ricky who’s cheek she had kissed in his car after Homecoming. The same Ricky that sung to her after rehearsals, the same Ricky who launched her into the air and swept her off her feet, spinning her around and leaving her dizzy. And she meant that both figuratively and literally.</p><p>But it was also the same Ricky that dropped her like an old hat when Nini came running back to him. The same Ricky who’s cheeks were currently marked, stained with tears.</p><p>She’d turn up at some point. It was Nini. She couldn’t leave. Nini was East High. Nini was theatre.</p><p>It wasn’t like Miss Jenn hadn’t made it so abundantly clear during her own rehearsal that there was clearly one favourite in East High’s theatre department.</p><p>She doesn’t remember when Ricky stopped singing, nor does she have any memory of a 5 minute tap solo that Red had apparently done. </p><p>She does finally escape her thoughts when Miss Jenn prances to the front of the stage, smiling a sickly sweet grin. “That could’ve gone better, but nonetheless,” she sings out, “The cast list will be up later today.”</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. episode three - the read through</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“What is there to talk about Ricky? You got the girl didn’t you?”</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Miss Jenn wasn’t kidding when she said that the cast list would be soon. With auditions completed over their lunch break, as soon as everyone’s walking out of their final class for the day, Carlos is legging it in the opposite direction, complete cast list waving about in his hand as he runs.</p><p>He eagerly pins it on the wall, pausing to stand back and admire his and Miss Jenn’s final decision. As he turns around he’s greeted by the anxious faces of tens of theatre kids, all apprehensively watching his every move, as they buzz with a sense of restless excitement. He puts his arms above his head and carefully wiggles and worms his way out of the crowd. </p><p>EJ, obviously, has pushed his way through to the front of the queue, pulling Ashlyn behind him who, in turn, is pulling Kourtney forward, with Gina following on their tail with her hands on Kourt’s shoulders.</p><p>EJ manages to get far enough forward to be one of the first people to read the cast list. Without even needing to see it herself, she can immediately tell which role got by the way he’s bouncing up and down like a man possessed, and pulling Ashlyn into an over the top hug, one where he almost pulls her all the way over. He’d got Beast.</p><p>He leans over, hugging Gina quickly before running down the queue of other people waiting to find out their own roles, holding his hand out to high-five them as he goes, like a marathon runner coming down the home straight. He abruptly stops when he finds Howie stood calmly at the end of the line.</p><p>Gina watches on curiously as EJ clears his throat and straightens his posture, promptly composing himself. She watches as he shrugs his shoulders, nonchalantly telling the new kid that he’d got The Beast, in stark juxtaposition to the extreme high-pitched squealing he’d been doing at the front of the line less than ten seconds earlier. Gina and Ashlyn watch this happen, and Ashlyn seems to become more clued in as to what’s going on, elbowing Gina and wiggling her eyebrows as they watch EJ and Howie descend into a conversation of casual small talk.</p><p>GIna’s immensely happy for him. Like, just pure unadulterated happiness that after all his years playing the sidekick, he’d finally cinched a leading role. It’s a type of unsullied joy that turns to momentary bliss as she watches as Kourt and Ashlyn both scream at the top of their lungs and then pull each other into a tight celebratory hug.</p><p>She knows what this means. “Kourt, you got Belle?” She nods, a smile wild on her face as she pulls a grinning Gina into the group hug.</p><p>“I don’t know why I’ve never done this before?” She’s almost happy crying. She’d managed to get a lead on her first ever attempt.</p><p>Ashlyn steps forward, her arm still around Kourt’s neck and inspects the list for her name. Another happy scream rings out.</p><p>Ashlyn turns back to Kourt and Gina, holding her arms out for another hug. “You’re looking at the brand Mrs Potts.” She holds one arm up and poses like a teapot.</p><p>“Ash, oh my god!” Gina watches as the blush on Ashlyn’s face spreads across her cheeks once again, as she celebrates with her face only centimeters away from Kourtney’s. Gina can only smile knowingly at Ashlyn before she shoved her to the front of the queue, her face inches from the hollow plasterboard.</p><p>She balances herself, steadying herself on Ashlyn’s shoulder as she runs a finger down the list of names trying to find her own. She doesn’t have to look for too long before she finds herself.</p><p>“Gina Porter - Belle understudy / Babette” As much as she wants to turn and pull Ashlyn and Kourt into a celebratory hug of her own, some innate force, some gravitational pull urges her to read the name listed right under hers.</p><p>“Ricky Bowen - Beast understudy / Lumiere” Impulsively, she finds herself looking across the crowd, trying to see if she could find his face within the congregation, trying to find him within the buzzing swarm, attempting to ascertain if he’s already seen the list, and knows what’s coming.</p><p>She spots him. He’s already looking at her across the crowd. She looks at him, right at him. She can feel her hand tightening on Ashlyn’s shoulder, but she can’t break out of it. </p><p>She doesn’t know how she’s going to be able to do this. She can’t even look at him without a sense of deep-seated anger brewing within the deepest pit of her stomach. She doesn’t know how she’s going to manage having to flirt with him every rehearsal until they finish the show. Doesn’t know how she’s going to be able to rehearse waltzing across a ballroom to the tune of a huge, romantic and orchestral ballad without any of her enduring feelings for him bubbling to the very front of her mind.</p><p>Ashlyn knows what’s up. Her shoulder’s becoming numb from Gina’s iron-strength grip, and Gina’s pretty sure she’s just watched all the colour completely drain from her face. Of course, it was him who was going to be playing Lumiere. That’s just how these things played out, wasn’t it?</p><p>Kourt must know what’s up too, because no sooner than Gina’s turned back to face her friends, ripping her eyes away from Ricky, Kourt’s leading her and Ashlyn out of the swarm, away from the crowd to the side of the corridor beside the lockers.</p><p>“What we’re not going to do,” Kourt holds Gina’s face in her hands, stopping her from looking back at Ricky as he reads the list, “is let a boy ruin this for you.” She knows Ricky’s eyes are staring at her back, staring through her. She can feel it through to her spine.</p><p>The entire night, through to the next day, Ashlyn and EJ are constantly reassuring her. Telling her to just ignore him, that she could do this.</p><p>She told herself she could do this? How hard could it be?</p><p> </p><p>She couldn’t do this. They’re doing a first readthrough of the script and of course, of course, Gina is seated directly across the room from him. Of course, he’s staring holes right through her the entire time. Not once does look away. </p><p>Not even when Miss Jenn’s commanding them to take each other’s hands like they’d done at the readthrough last year. Gina’s placing her hand into Ashlyn’s. But she doesn’t shut her eyes. She can’t.</p><p>Not when Ricky’s still adamantly staring at her from across the room. So persistently looking at her.</p><p>She doesn’t know why she doesn’t look away, just shut her eyes and shut it out. It’s like she’s waiting for something. Waiting for something to happen. She just doesn’t know what.</p><p>“Ouch Gi.” She looks away, realising how tight her grip on Ashlyn’s hand had become, loosening her hand and shooting her an apologetic smile.</p><p>For the entire duration of the rehearsal before their lines, there had not been a single moment where she felt even slightly compelled to take her eyes off the smug smirk that plays on his face. The more and more she looks at him, the more she feels her jaw tighten, the more feels her face fall into a frown. But no matter what she just can’t peel her eyes away from him. There’s no rhyme or reason as to why she’s glaring at him from across the room. But she can’t look away.</p><p>Then, it’s his line. “Babette, you’re always trying to make me jealous. Well, it’s not going to work this time.”</p><p>She’s looking at him as she says her line. Right at him. “Me? What about you? With Simone?” They’re just running through lines, it’s something as simple and it should be as nonchalant as just that. But even just saying her lines, she can hear and feel her bitter undertone reverberate through the words she speaks. She knows everyone else can feel the anger lacing her every word as she feeds the flirtatious lines to him.<br/>“Jaques?”</p><p>“Michelle?” She can feel her voice increasing in volume with every name she speaks. It's completely unintentional but it's like she’s lost control, she’s letting it slip, losing grip.</p><p>“Pierre?” She’s pretty sure she can hear a bitter undertone lacing his voice as well. She knows the tension is rising in the room, she can even feel the hairs on the back of her neck standing on-edge, but she can’t stop herself, not even when Ashlyn places a hand on her shoulder, clearly telling her to calm herself down and reel it in. Gina knows that at some point she’s going to snap, and end up saying something she was going to-</p><p>“Nini?” She spits it out. That almost definitely wasn’t a part of the script. Out of everything, the worst part is that she doesn’t even realise that she’s said the wrong name, made such a grievous error, until she hears Ricky repeating it softly, his eyes shaky but still firmly on hers.</p><p>His voice breaks, ever so slightly when he says it.</p><p>She abruptly stands straight up in her seat, cringing as the legs of the chair grind like nails down a chalkboard, harsh against the stunned silence of everyone in the room. Watching the faces that stare curiously up at her, she opens her mouth in an attempt to defend herself, even though she knew it was no use, there was no point.</p><p>“I didn’t-” She looks from Ricky to Ashlyn, to Kourt, to EJ and back to Ricky, who’s biting the inside of his lip, taking in what had just happened. “No, I meant that-” She bursts out of the room with EJ right on her tail.</p><p>She falls flush against the first locker she finds, covering her eyes with her hands. She’s so flushed with acrimony, it's like a fire of animosity burning all over. EJ’s arms wrap around her shoulders, protecting her from the view of everyone who immediately floods out of the room after her. They’d apparently been given a five-minute break from Miss Jenn.</p><p>Ashlyn and Kourt instantly come running over to them. “Gi? Are you okay?” </p><p>She nods into EJ’s shoulder, letting out a heavy breath. She was over this. She was above this. She had other things to care about, she didn’t need to spend all her time thinking about some curly-haired skater boy. She didn’t care.</p><p>If she didn’t care, why did she constantly find herself staring at him from across crowded rooms? Why could she not stop thinking about how different things could’ve been if she’d had never left in the first place? “This sucks.”</p><p>EJ lets her out of his bear hug and they all sit on the ground, their backs against the lockers.</p><p>“Why don’t you just talk to him?” Ashlyn’s suggesting. Gina bangs her head on the locker behind her.</p><p>“Because of Nini. And everything that’s happened I just-” She lets out one deep breath and then sits up straightening her back. She was over it. She’d had enough. There comes a point when you run out of shits to give. And she’d reached that point.</p><p>Kourt’s acting weird though, playing with her fingers nervously in a way that Gina hasn’t seen her do since her audition. She watches as she leans in, close to Ashlyn. “Can we go talk after this?”</p><p>EJ nudges Gina once, a smile on his face as he nods towards Ashlyn and Kourt like he thinks that tonight, something’s finally going to click between those two.</p><p>When he realises that she hasn’t reacted, he nudges her once more “Are you sure you’re okay to go back in there?”</p><p>She nods. “I’ll be fine, I just - I don’t know why but it's like I just can’t look away from him. What’s wrong with me?” She laughs slightly as she places her head on EJ’s shoulder.</p><p>“Gi, there’s nothing wrong with you. Look -” he chuckles, “I can switch places with him, so you don’t have to look at him?”</p><p>She smiles. “I just wanted this to be the start of something new, but for once, I don’t actually know what I want.” Her eye suddenly wanders to Ricky, who’s walking back into the room.</p><p>EJ snaps his fingers in front of her face. “No, watch me. Or heck, even watch Howie.”</p><p>For once, Gina nudges him back. “Howie huh? How’s that going?”</p><p>“Listen Gi, I’m not going to lie, I like-” Miss Jenn claps her hands, commanding the last few stragglers back into the room.</p><p>She actually listens to the advice EJ gave her, and the rest of the first read-through ends up being pretty tolerable. She knows Ricky’s still watching her, she can still feel his glare right through to her core. But she actually ignores it, she ignores him, instead, she's watching as EJ acts his socks off, emoting his way through his lines. And for once, she was actually smiling.</p><p>Focusing on watching EJ, as well as the all too familiar way that Howie was watching EJ. It felt all too recognisable, weirdly similar to the way Ricky stared at her.</p><p>Rehearsal finishes up. Kourtney and Ashlyn immediately rush out of the room to go talk about whatever Kourt needed to tell her, and Gina finds herself pushing EJ over to go to talk to Howie. She doesn’t want to third-wheel, so she follows them out, a couple of footsteps behind them. That is until Miss Jenn is calling her back to the middle of the room.</p><p>Her and Ricky. And so she swallows, before turning and trudging back to the centre of the room. It’s weird, it’s like Miss Jenn knows all the tea, like she’s an omnipotent all-seeing God, like she knows more than just the fact that Gina accidentally said Nini’s name earlier, because she’s suddenly saying to Gina and Ricky, “Is there something going on with you two?”</p><p>Gina goes to glare at Ricky. This was all his fault. If he hadn’t have gone off with another girl in less than a week, then none of this would’ve happened. She goes to look at him, but when she turns to do so, his eyes are already on her. So instead, she’s remembering what she told herself in the hall, she was over this, and she’s painting her face with a sickly sweet smile, shining it brightly at Miss Jenn.</p><p>“No, there’s no problem. Why would there be?” Knowing that’s the best answer either of them are going to give her, Gina turns on one heel, heading to leave to room to catch up with EJ.</p><p>She assumes Ricky’s doing the same because as she walks out of the door she hears Miss Jenn shout after them. “Sort it out guys!”</p><p>“Gina wait,” Ricky calls out after her as she walks down the corridor, heading to EJ, who was waiting for her with Howie at the end of the corridor. He’s pleading with her. “Can we talk about this?”</p><p>Gina doesn’t turn, doesn’t look at him. She keeps walking. “What is there to talk about Ricky? You got the girl didn’t you?” Though the words she speaks may be entirely truthful, as soon as they leave her lips she wants to shove them back in and swallow them down.</p><p>She hears Ricky’s footfalls stop, hears him stop dead in the middle of the corridor. “Is that really what all this is about?”</p><p>Yes. It’s always been about that. It’s always been about the fact that less than a week after she had left, he was already off with another girl, confessing his undying love to another girl, convincing this other girl that he hadn’t changed in any way, not even a little bit, during the time it had taken Gina to let her walls come down and all but fall in love with him. He confessed his love to Nini as if Gina had never existed in the first place.</p><p>She turns around, letting herself look at him for a moment. ”I don’t want to hear it.” As wholeheartedly as she means those words, as much as she doesn’t want to hear him give her a half-baked, half-assed excuse, she waits, willing him to give her something, anything that would change her mind about him.</p><p>But he doesn’t. He opens his mouth as if to speak, but the words don’t fall out in the way she wants them to. He’s just looking at her. Holding her gaze.</p><p>“Right.” She nods. Just what she expected.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. episode four - the climax</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“I wanted you to stop me.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>for legal reasons seabass is no longer ricky</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>That same evening, Gina finds herself sat at home, alone in her room, staring at the yellow of her bedroom walls, thinking. Just thinking.</p><p>Collecting her thoughts. Contemplating on everything that had happened.</p><p>Another half sewn hat sits at the very end of her bed, almost slipping off. The needles are still in the yarn, ready to be picked up and started again. All it would take would be for her to reach out, just touch it - and she could pick everything up from where she’d left off.</p><p>Even from where they’d been standing, EJ and Howie had seen everything. Heard everything. Like everything.</p><p>The way Gina had been all but crying as she’d walked away from Ricky and back to them. </p><p>The way Howie had seen Ricky stand by himself, tears in his eyes watching as Gina left him stood alone and exposed in the middle of the corridor. They hadn’t told her that last part. They hadn’t told her the way Ricky had been throwing glancing looks, almost longing looks, at her every time she’d even rushed past him to get to class. </p><p>Although they knew it was happening, and Ashlyn knew it was happening - and Kourt and Red and Seb and Carlos all saw what was happening - but she was completely oblivious to it.</p><p>It was like EJ and Howie had a silent pact. They knew how it was for Gina. So they hadn’t told her. And they didn’t plan on telling her any time soon.</p><p>So instead of dwelling on it, instead of focusing on the past, EJ pulled out of the East High car park and headed straight to Red’s parent’s pizza place for a quick pick-me-up.</p><p>Sure - it had helped a little bit - her stomach wasn’t so bottomless-ly empty now, but it hadn’t stopped the empty feeling elsewhere within her. She was still on edge.</p><p>She’d just ended up third-wheeling EJ and Howie. They’d sat down in a box seat, with EJ and Howie sat together, on the opposite side of the table to Gina. </p><p>They were getting closer, and Gina was glad for EJ. She was glad he was happy. </p><p>But everytime she watches them throw those glancing looks at each other, those lingering hands, lingering smiles, she can only think about him. Ricky.</p><p>She goes full Harry Potter sometimes trying so hard to stop him from getting to her, to stop her even approaching the walls she built back up. But watching them smile at each other. It’s the way Ricky had always smiled at each other.</p><p>But now she sits here. Alone. On her bed.</p><p>It was a lot. There was so much happening in her head, so many thoughts repeating, marching onwards as if they were an army on a treadmill - so damn close to getting to her.</p><p>Ricky was clearly upset with her. He wanted her friendship, their connection back. He wanted her back. But Gina didn’t want that.</p><p>No - she did. But not like this. She can’t. She can’t let those walls back down, and she’s constantly telling herself not to fall back on her defences, reminding herself over and over and over again.</p><p>She couldn’t lie. Couldn’t pretend that things were alright. Because they weren’t.</p><p>God, it hurt. It hurt so much. And it wasn’t just how he’d sacked her off for Nini. It wasn’t just how much she longed for things to go back to normal.</p><p>She couldn’t watch him, be near him, look at him without wanting to turn and run, to leave, and not even hesitate. Not even look back.</p><p>She’s abruptly taken out of her thoughts and placed back into the room when she hears a car pull swiftly into the drive, presumably dropping someone off, and then driving away.</p><p>Ashlyn rushes straight through the front door, immediately heading for Gina’s room. EJ followed her in, having heard her footsteps as she ran into the room. Howie’s there too. He’d come with EJ.</p><p>“Nini’s gone.” She hits them with it.</p><p>EJ takes a seat beside Gina on her bed, Howie joining them, with Gina sandwiched between the two. EJ’s the first to break the silence.</p><p>“Ash - we kind of assumed she was gone. She hasn’t been in for a week and hasn’t spoken to anyone about it.” </p><p>She groans, rolling her eyes. “No, I mean gone. Like she’s left East High, she’s left Salt Lake. She’s at some acting school in Denver?”</p><p>Gina knew Nini had gone. She’d known when Nini hadn’t turned up for auditions - Nini would never miss a chance for the spotlight on her. But she hadn’t actually thought about it. Hearing it articulated, hearing it out loud, the words finally hit her.</p><p>Gina frowns, looking at EJ. “Without a goodbye?”</p><p>Ashlyn nods as she bounces on the balls of her feet, clearly excited to share the news. “And-“</p><p>The realisation hits her once more. “Ricky -“</p><p>“Don’t worry, he was the first one she told, but -“</p><p>“No I mean, he - his Mom -“ Gina leans her head into EJ’s shoulder. It feels like she’d just taken a brick wall straight to the face. That’s why Ricky has been late to auditions that day. Because the one constant in his life, his one stability had just kicked his legs out from under him.</p><p>She knew Ricky. She knew how he’d be feeling about this.</p><p>EJ puts his arm around Gina, letting her sink into him, before asking Ashlyn another question. “Are they doing long dist -“</p><p>“God, let me speak, I’m getting to that. That was the plan and they were, but -“ Gina watches as EJ glares at her. The kind of glare that says ‘come on now, don’t make Gina cry over that stupid skater boy again.’</p><p>“Kourt said that Nini told her that tomorrow, she’s -“ She pauses. Almost like she doesn’t want to say it.</p><p>“She’s what?” Howie’s frowning as well, unsure as to what Ashlyn was trying to get at.</p><p>Ashlyn rolls her hands as if it’s going to help them understand what she’s talking about.</p><p>“Ash, just spit it out. We didn’t sign up for a game of charades.” EJ rolls his eyes.</p><p>“She’s - you know,” she lowers her voice and pulls them together into a huddle as if someone other than the four of them were going to hear what she’d say, “breaking up with him.”</p><p>Gina leans back, falling flat back against her bed with her hands to her temples. Seriously?</p><p>No. But like. Seriously?</p><p>All of this? Everything Gina had felt about him, and had to repress, to bury six feet deep. Just for Nini to go and walk out of his life like that? And it’s not like Gina doesn’t know what his home life was like. Like - they’d talked about things. Things like this.</p><p>She knew exactly how he’d take this.</p><p>Someone he loved just up and walking out of his life like that. For the second time. At a time she knew he needed someone the most.</p><p>Now she feels ill. She’d spat Nini’s name at him like it was an insult mere hours before. She’d treated him like that.</p><p>But then again, he’d still chosen Nini over her. He’d still made Gina feel all of these things, things she’d never let herself feel before, all these emotions all at once, only to immediately back down, back off and pretend like none of it had <br/>happened. Like nothing that happened between them meant the same to him as they did to Gina.</p><p>Ricky was so inexplicably, unexplainably and insanely confusing. And she didn’t know how to feel.</p><p>At their next rehearsal, she’s more tentative with him. She’s not staring bitterly at him every time he breathes slightly too loud for her liking. And for once she actually lets herself laugh at him, chuckling when he reveals that he can’t even do a French accent so Lumiere is now going to have to be Australian.</p><p>She’s still annoyed at him, don’t get her wrong. But she knows what had happened between the last rehearsal and now. Kourt had told her.</p><p>Nini had done it. Cut it off. Over the phone. </p><p>So Gina consciously makes the effort not to snap at him, to calm herself, ground herself when his eyes catch hers. When he so much as smiles in her direction.</p><p>But it’s hard when you’re playing an overly flirtatious couple of French household items.</p><p>It’s hard to keep herself composed, when every scene they’re in they have to be so enamoured with each other, so totally enraptured in the joy of each other’s presence.</p><p>It wasn’t hard to act.</p><p>It was hard to pretend that she wasn’t enjoying it. Ignoring the way her heart flutters every time he has to chase her around the stage, and pull her into a twirl. Ignoring the way his eyes are always on hers. Ignoring the way his eyes watch her as she walks by.</p><p>Things aren’t back to normal. But as days pass by her feelings are quelling. She’s calmer. She’s accepting.</p><p>Every now and then she watches as he opens his mouth to speak to her on their way out of rehearsals, but watches as he ultimately decides against it.</p><p>That is, until three weeks until rehearsal.</p><p>They’re just blocking one of the scenes. Something as simple as that.</p><p>She knew she had to put up with the flirtatious banter between the two characters, and she’d been doing well to manage her emotions whilst keeping her walls up for however long they had been preparing for the musical.</p><p>What she didn’t expect was his hand to gently come around her wrist, his fingers lightly playing with hers as he bent down, pulled her hand to his lips and kissed it. So gently.</p><p>And all Gina can do is watch, watch his eyes look up at hers, the sparkle, the glint in his eyes reflecting up at her.</p><p>Nothing can describe the way she forgets to breathe, forgets to speak, forgets her line when he’s just looking at her, his hand so lightly touching hers.</p><p>And it’s so genuine. It’s like nothing had ever happened between them in the first place.</p><p>Slowly, brick-by-brick, she feels her walls come tumbling down. She was exposed. </p><p>It wasn’t even written into the script. That wasn’t planned for the scene they were rehearsing right at this minute. He did that out his own volition, he did it on purpose.</p><p>And he knew what he was doing.</p><p>Ricky Bowen is a mind scrambler, her mind is completely well and truly screwed. </p><p>Everything is falling. And Gina doesn’t know where to land.</p><p>The way he’s still looking up at her, his eyes so adamantly set on hers. The way her throat so suddenly goes completely bone dry, the way she forgets that it’s not just them in the room.</p><p>She’s off with him for the rest of rehearsals. Of course she is. You can’t just flip flop like that between people. You can’t play with people’s emotions.</p><p>After rehearsal, she’s all but sprinting out to EJ’s car to get away from here. She’s not even going to give Ricky the chance to speak to her again. Not right now.</p><p>But suddenly, under the beaming spring sun, Ricky’s shouting after her. “What happened? Tell me what I’ve done wrong, whatever it is, and I’ll fix it.”</p><p>She keeps walking ahead, marching onwards to the car as her jaw tightens, her heartbeat quickens. She’s not shouting at him, but she’s damn close. “God Ricky, I don’t know? Do you want a list?”</p><p>She’s still not looking at him. She can’t face him. Because she knows if she does, the façade will slip.</p><p>“Gi, I wanna -“ She’s not going to give him a chance to talk, a chance to defend himself. So she snaps again, this time flinging herself round.</p><p>“Was I just a distraction? Is that all I was? Was I always just playing second fiddle to Nini?”</p><p>“This isn’t about Nini -“</p><p>“It is though Ricky, isn’t it? Whenever she’s out of the picture you always end up coming running back to me. I’m done being second best.”</p><p>“Gi - Wait.” She’s already turned back around, storming back to the car. She’s done with the conversation, she’s done with this argument. She’s done with Ricky.</p><p>But that small voice, the one that’s always in her ear when she’s around Ricky pipes up, urging her to turn back around. “You’re selfish Ricky. I don’t know if anyone’s told you that, but you only think of people in terms of how they benefit you.” She turns back. She walks away, she leaves him.</p><p>She can see EJ’s car, and she’s heading straight for it, knowing full well she’s going to leave Ricky there standing by himself. She steps to cross the road across the car park. But then she hears his voice, softer. Quieter.</p><p>“I wanted you to stop me.” She stops. She doesn’t turn, but she stops. She listens. “God Gi - when Nini walked towards me, I kept looking back at you, waiting for you to stop me from making a stupid decision. I wanted you to stop me. But you didn’t. You took a step back.”</p><p>Hearing those words. She wants to tear her hair out. “No Ricky, you don’t get to say that. You don’t get to do that - “</p><p>Before she even has a chance to shout him down, EJ’s hands are on her shoulders, pushing her towards the car away from where he was stood. “Leave her Ricky.”</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. episode five - the skatepark</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Three moments throughout the day that leave her completely going back on her word. Leave her completely floored, completely speechless.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>fuck tim</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>So. That was it. They’re not talking anymore. They’re barely even acknowledging each other. And sure. When you’re playing love interests twice over in a musical, that’s pretty hard to do.</p><p>She’s certain it’s showing in their performances too. Whereas before, when it wasn’t hard at all to act as if she was in love with Ricky, now she was done. And at this point she doesn’t even care about how their performance looked. She was completely done with Ricky.</p><p>Just thinking back to him launching what he’d said on her like that. That this entire time her feelings were reciprocated. </p><p>Even if it was true, even if we truly, deeply meant what he’d said - that he was waiting for Gina to stop him - he’d still gone to Nini that night, still told Nini that he’d loved her, that he’d always loved her.</p><p>He’d still seemingly ignored everything that had happened between them.</p><p>He’d chosen Nini.</p><p>At the moment, their rehearsals went like this. <br/>1. Gina would always arrive first. Usually with Ashlyn or Kourt or EJ or Howie.<br/>2. Ricky would rush through the door with Red as late as possible.<br/>3. They’d rehearse. Reading lines or blocking. They’d get into character, act in love with each other, enamoured with each other.<br/>4. Rehearsals would finish. They’d get out of character, get as far away from each other as they could.<br/>5. Ricky would take a step towards Gina, like he was itching to say something.<br/>6. Ricky would take a step back.<br/>7. Ricky would leave.</p><p>It’s been like this for a good couple of weeks now. And every rehearsal they have goes like that. Without fail.</p><p>Just as inevitable as the push and pull of the tides. But it was working. Overtime, over the next passing weeks, found herself thinking about him less and less. Not overthinking, sending herself into a spiral every time he even just brushed past her in the hallway. Not even thinking about the glances, the stares that he continues to throw her every lesson they have together. </p><p>Sure. It hurt a lot. But she knew it’d hurt a lot less in the longtime. No more longing looks at him that she felt right in the bottom of her heart. No more stuttered breaths. No more.</p><p>Or so she thinks. </p><p>The night before rolls into the next day. Strange occurrences come in threes, right?</p><p>Three moments throughout the day that leave her completely going back on her word. Leave her completely floored, completely speechless.</p><p>Occurrence one - Just before lunch, Gina and Kourtney are swept away into the changing rooms for costuming. Arguably one of the most important parts of this production - making sure the iconic yellow Belle ballroom dresses fit them just as they should.</p><p>Her heartbeat’s in her ears as Natalie tightens the lace at the back of the corset, as she wiggles her way into the tight skirt. She didn’t know why she was nervous.</p><p>She shuts her eyes, taking one last deep breath, before slowly opening her eyes and taking a look at herself in the mirror before her.</p><p>It’s just how you always imagine yourself growing up. It's how she would always picture herself in her dreams when she was younger. Even now.</p><p>And it’s how she looks stood before herself right now.</p><p>The dress she’s wearing is made of a satiny yellow material, the corset and skirt bright against her skin. Another translucent satin sheet, detailed with intricate patterning, sits over the top of the skirt, roses delicately flowing over the material as if they were floating within an ocean.</p><p>The roses flow up to the tight bodice on her top, and the short sleeves sit just off the top of her shoulder.</p><p>And even in the dingy, poorly lit back rooms of the East High theatre department, the dress is almost glowing, illuminating the small changing cubicle she was standing in. </p><p>It’s like a different person is looking back at her in the mirror. </p><p>Eventually she plucks up the confidence to step out of the room, to be greeted by the tens of smiling faces of the costuming kids, who immediately crowd around her, complimenting her as they run their hands over the material.</p><p>But it wasn’t her dress that was the main attraction. More of the effort had been put into the main dress, the one that would actually be put on display for the entire school to see.</p><p>As Kourt, shyly steps out from behind the curtain, everyone’s focus shifts onto her, and the way this dress sits over her.</p><p>Somehow, and Gina really doesn’t know how they’ve done it - it looks even better than the one she’s wearing herself. She’s sure it’s literally producing its own light source.</p><p>With a nervous smile on her lips, Kourt twirls, and the skirt and the several underskirts under it, fan out around her, smothering the area with the light material. She’s stunning.</p><p>The costume kids are swarming around her, complimenting her and the dress and her beauty and “Are you guys sure?” They all nod so affirmatively as she’s surrounded by a compliment huddle. Watching Kourt stand in the middle of this group, one thought sticks out in Gina’s mind, so without uttering a word, she sneaks out of the changing rooms to go to look for the one person she thinks will appreciate it the most.</p><p>So she roams the halls of East High, looking for Ashlyn.</p><p>She knows she should be around here somewhere. Last she’d heard, Ashlyn had gone off to one the music rooms to work on another original song for Mrs Potts. So she should be around here somewhere.</p><p>She swears she can hear a faint, gentle music coming from one of the rooms, so she ever-so gently leans the door open, expecting to find Ashlyn sitting within.</p><p>Without even bothering to look at whoever was singing, assuming it had to be Ashlyn, she steps into the room, pulling the slight train of the dress in with her.</p><p>Only for Ricky Bowen to be sat in the corner, quietly strumming notes on his guitar in the corner.</p><p>Seeing Gina come through the door, watching her backlit silhouette in the dress as she stands in the doorway, he immediately stands up, clumsily knocking his guitar to the floor beside him.</p><p>Gina almost instinctively flinches at the loud crash as it hits the floor, reaching out as if she’s going to be able to catch it in time. Now she’s in the middle of the room too, only inches away from Ricky.</p><p>The very same Ricky who’s admiring her so intently, and it’s just in the way he’s looking at her that leaves her so entirely and gobsmackingly speechless.</p><p>She can also see as his eyes try to choose the correct words to say in the situation, as she’s just roamed into the room as if she owns the place, in a massively flouncy ball gown.</p><p>She hears him take one deep breath. “Wow Gi - You look -“</p><p>The way he’s staring at her leaves her trapped where she stands, she can’t even move or back away, like she’s been petrified into stone. </p><p>There’s something in the way he looks at her. Something she doesn’t see often. Something in the way he smiles and laughs and just looks at her. Like he’s looking at the real her, the one that he knows.</p><p>She’s pretty sure she’s never seen him look at Nini like that. No. What? That’s the worst possible thought that could have entered her stream of consciousness right now. </p><p>They stand there awkwardly for a while, waiting for something, for someone to break the silence to say something.</p><p>But neither of them do. She instinctively starts playing with her fingers as she takes a breath and thinks of the right words to say.</p><p>“So, I’m gonna go -“</p><p>“- Yeah. No, yeah of course.”</p><p>She bites her lip, preventing herself from saying any more as she backs away from the situation and runs barefoot through the corridor, lifting up her dress as she runs, like Cinderella running home from the great ball, to find Ashlyn.</p><p>Then - after Ashlyn’s jaw had dropped to the floor upon seeing Kourtney in her dress - it happens again.</p><p>This time, they’re at rehearsals after school. They’re choreographing the ballroom dance scene. Ricky and Gina. They have to be close. They have to act in love.</p><p>It’s not hard to do.</p><p>Dancing beside them, EJ and Kourtney had already nailed the dance, and with all eyes on them, it was now Ricky and Gina’s turn.</p><p>She doesn’t want to touch him, barely bringing herself to look at him in the eyes. Because, no matter how much she tries to deny it, to ignore it, to scrunch it up into a ball and bury it deep within her, she knows that something’s still there.</p><p>She’s afraid. Because she knows if she even looks at him for one second more, her stomach will fall into a million backflips, and she’ll fall along with it.</p><p>So even at Miss Jenn and Carlos’ command to join arms and link up, they just stand awkwardly in front of each other. Gina nervously fiddles with her fingernails, twisting them beneath her touch, and she watches as Ricky looks down to her hands, and looks back up to meet her eyes.</p><p>He’s not moving either, not initiating contact. She takes a deep breath, but suddenly Carlos is beside them, pushing Gina right into Ricky’s chest.</p><p>She tries to take a step back, away from him, away from the lulling of his scent that’s pulling her in like a siren song, but Carlos’ hand is on her shoulder, firmly keeping her in place.</p><p>Because of the sudden shove into him her hands are pressed up against his chest, and she can feel his breath on her. She watches Carlos, not letting herself look at Ricky, watches as he forcibly takes Ricky’s wrist and places his hand on her waist. She flinches at the sudden touch, the sudden, yet all too familiar feel of his hand wrapped around her waist, and she knows Carlos sees it because he shoots her a questioning look.</p><p>She just swallows, breathes deeply, shuts her eyes, and places her hand in his, resting her other hand lightly on her neck.</p><p>Carlos counts them in.</p><p>She closes her eyes, instinctively bites the inside of her lip and readies herself for wherever he would lead them across the stage. Still hyper aware and hypersensitive of the way his index finger is running circles in the crook of her back.</p><p>They move.</p><p>But right on the very first step, Ricky goes left and Gina goes right, ending up with Ricky’s foot coming down hard on her foot.</p><p>She launches back reaching down for her foot. “Jesus Ricky -“</p><p>Carlos’ eyes are wide, and he’s almost shaking with shock, his start dancer clearly having hurt a limb that was pretty essential for dancing. “Maybe we’ll try this again next week?”</p><p>She leans back, sitting down on the stage. From nowhere Ricky suddenly passes her a bag of frozen peas. Maybe the pain in her foot was blinding her but she swears he pulls them from literally nowhere, but suddenly he’s knelt down beside her placing the cool bag on her bruising foot.</p><p>“Gi - I’m so sorry, honestly -“</p><p>“Ricky, I’m -“</p><p>“No, it was my fault and -“</p><p>“Ricky, it’s fine -.” He’s still talking.</p><p>“No, it’s not - I shouldn’t have -“</p><p>“Ricky, leave it!”</p><p>It happens for a third time - after rehearsals. This time, her and Ashlyn are sitting around on the stage, waiting for EJ to come back from wherever he had gotten to with Howie. And so they sit on the mainstage, under the still beaming spotlights. </p><p>Ashlyn’s playing around with the twinkling keys of the grand piano that sits on the stage, playing whatever chords come to her mind. </p><p>Gina lies back, flat against the ground like a snow angel, looking up at the high ceiling absolve her. She doesn’t know exactly when, but at some point she finds herself singing from the deepest part of her soul. Singing from a place she didn’t even know existed within her.</p><p>Singing out how she really, actually, truly feels. </p><p>She’s singing When There Was Me and You.</p><p>Her thoughts are running through her mind a mile a minute, but this time she lets herself think. Think about everything that’s happened. </p><p>“Why did I let myself believe that miracles could happen.” It was always going to be Ricky and Nini. He was never going to choose her over Nini.</p><p>“‘Cause now I have to pretend, that I don’t really care.” She was so immensely torn up. And not even a way she could explain, she couldn’t even articulate it.</p><p>Because now Nini wasn’t here. There was no Ricky and Nini. But he still hadn’t spoken to her, hadn’t taken the leap.</p><p>She just kind of assumed that as soon as Nini was out of the picture, Ricky would come rushing back to her. But he didn’t.</p><p>“I confused my feelings, with the truth.” No. She was being standoffish with him. She couldn’t blame him. </p><p>Maybe she had liked him. But she was over it. It felt like it had reached a natural conclusion. Sure, maybe her stomach did soar on days when she watched him walk into school with pajama bottoms on. Maybe all the butterflies packed into her stomach were suddenly getting ready to fly every time she watched him put that stupid guitar on his knee. But she wasn’t ready to admit it. </p><p>She’d told herself it was over. So why couldn’t she convince herself of it?</p><p>“When you smiled you made me feel like I could sing along. But then you went and changed the words, and now my heart is empty.”</p><p>And still, even after everything that had happened. Some little part of her longed for him to come back, to tear those walls back down.</p><p>Even if it wasn’t romantically. She just wanted Ricky back.</p><p>“When there was me and you.”</p><p>As soon as she finishes the last soaring notes she sits back up, abruptly upright.</p><p>Her eyes lock with Ricky’s. He’s stood so far away on the other side of the auditorium. But her eyes are still locked onto his.</p><p>Even through the bright beams of stage lights shining directly into her eyes, she can see the frown that masks his face. The knowing frown. She watches as he doesn’t say anything, as he backs away, leaving Gina under the burning heat of the spotlight.</p><p>Three moments in time. </p><p> </p><p>At some point that same day, almost nearing midnight, Gina finds herself sitting in her room alone, not doing anything in particular - which has fast become an all too common occurrence. It’s just, sometimes Gina finds herself all thought out. As if she’s done enough thinking about things today to last a lifetime.</p><p>Ashlyn wanders into Gina’s room, a  concerned frown etched on her features. “Hey, you haven’t seen Ricky around, have you?”</p><p>She shakes her head, still lying flat on her bed. “Why?”</p><p>Ashlyn takes a seat on the end of Gina’s bed. “He’s gone MIA. Red hasn’t heard from him for a couple of hours.”</p><p>“Oh.” That’s not a good sign. Especially if Red was concerned. She knows he's gone missing for hours at a time before, but she’s pretty sure Red had never put on a full scale search like this. Straight away, she feels like she has some inclination as to what’s up. They got each other right? </p><p>She’s sure she’s heard him mention it before - one of their night chats. When everything got too much at home, he’d walk out.</p><p>He’d leave.</p><p>“Right well, if you know where he might be, can you tell his Dad? Me, Kourt and EJ are going to look around for a bit, alright?”</p><p>Ashlyn smiles warmly, heading out of the house and getting into EJ’s G-Wagon.</p><p>Gina knew where he’d be. </p><p>She grabs the first jumper she can find and all but runs in the cold dark to where she knows she’d find him. She heads to the skatepark.</p><p>As she arrives, she’s almost out of breath, and her warm breaths are rising high up into the black infinity above her. Her heartbeat is loud and rhythmic in her ears. Because what if he’s not here? What does she do then?</p><p>She doesn’t need to think about that. She turns the corner into the open air skatepark and sees only him, sitting up against a ramp, throwing stones against the other ramp opposite him. </p><p>She lets out a deep, relieved breath as soon as she sees him.</p><p>He’s leaning back, looking up at the stars.</p><p>She’s pretty sure he hasn’t heard her yet, so once her breathing has slowed down as much as she thinks it’s going to, she slowly, timidly walks towards him. “Hey Wildcat.”</p><p>He doesn’t respond. Instead he huffs, throwing another rocker harder against the ramp. She’s still slowly approaching him, all but on her tiptoes. She waits for a moment. Her voice is quiet, almost in a whisper. “Everyone’s looking for you.”</p><p>For the first time since she’d got here, he turns to look at her, and through his appreciative smile she can see his damp eyes and his tear-stained cheeks.</p><p>He breaths out a sharp breath, as if he’s going to say something, but like so many times before, nothing permeates from his mouth.</p><p>She crouches down, resting on the balls of her feet beside him. “Can I sit?”</p><p>She watches as he thinks for a moment, before scooting over, allowing her to take a seat beside him.</p><p>She sits beside him, resting her cold, shivering hands in the pockets of her jacket. They just sit in silence for a few minutes. Listening to the steady sound of cars passing by on the road just beside them. Listening to the steady in and out of both of their breathing.</p><p>He breaks the stillness of the night as he hands her one of the stones from the pile by his feet. He nods at her to chuck it.</p><p>And she does. She sits up, leans her arm back and fires it as hard as she can at the ramp.</p><p>She throws it so hard that it hits the ramp and comes boomeranging straight back at them. </p><p>They both duck of the way, leaning in opposite directions to avoid getting hit. They both flinch as the stone crashes against where they were just sat.</p><p>Realising how close they were to be being hit straight in the faces by a rock, they both turn to each other wide-eyed.</p><p>Gina can feel a smile forming on the edges of her mouth, and before long they’ve both collapsed into fits of laughter against the cold laughter.</p><p>They pause, look at each other, and send each other spiralling into another bout of laughter.</p><p>It feels good to laugh with him again. It feels good to be around him again. Something’s changed.</p><p>“I missed this Gi. I missed you.”</p><p>“Ricky, I - “ It’s hard to choose the right words in situations like these. She doesn’t want to let herself slip back into how it was before she’d left, before he’d chosen Nini, because she just knows she’ll end up heartbroken again. On the other hand, she knows, she can feel how much she’s missed this too. How much she’s missed just being around Ricky.</p><p>“I wish -“ Her train of thought is interrupted by the vibrating of Ricky’s phone against the hardwood skate ramp. Saved by the bell. “You should answer that. Everyone’s worried about you.”</p><p>He looks at the contact name, immediately closing his phone and shoving it back in his pocket. “Everyone else can wait.”</p><p>He readjusts himself, lying back and resting his head on his arms. Gina watches as he does this, rolling her eyes at his relaxed demeanour when everyone is out looking for him, but eventually she joins him, lying back and resting her hands on her stomach.</p><p>Then a few more minutes of still silence. It feels like them again. Something’s shifted. She can’t even put her finger on what.</p><p>They’re lying a couple of metres apart from each other, almost on opposite ends of the ramp. But she can still hear the rhythm of his breathing pronounced and loud in her ears.</p><p>Even though Ricky’s one of the only people she can sit in comfortable silence with, she still finds herself beginning another sentence. “I’m sorry Ricky.”</p><p>“For what?” He rolls over, turning to face her. She turns over too, she watches as his eyes flirt between hers, almost like he was studying her face.</p><p>She looks away, looking down to where she was anxiously playing with her nails. “I don’t know. Everything? I just - I’m sorry.”</p><p>She looks at him again. He smiles at her, before looking back up at the sky. “You’re not the one that needs to apologise.”</p><p>She knows it’s going to be as much of an apology as she’s going to get out of Ricky. But it’s enough. </p><p>“Why did you keep stink-eyeing me though?” </p><p>She rolls her eyes at him again, biting the inside of her lip. “I could ask you the same thing.”</p><p>She studies her face, watches as he searches his mind for the right answer. He settles on “I was hoping that maybe just once, you’d meet my eyes and smile back at me.”</p><p>“You’ve gone soft Bowen.” She pulls him up to leave, to take him back to Ashlyn’s. She ignores the way the loud beating of her heartbeat returns to her ears as her hands take a hold of his, to hoist him up.</p><p>“Okay, but one more thing Porter.”</p><p>“Whatever you need.”</p><p>“Can I have sweet Gi back?”</p><p>“Can’t make any promises.” She’s smiling up at him. It feels good. </p><p>It feels even better when he lifts her up into a hug, his face pressed deep into the curls that sit over her shoulder. “I’m glad you’re back.”</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. episode six - the car</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“You’re such an idiot Bowen.”</p><p>“You love me really.”</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gina has heard the word ‘home’ thrown around so many times in her life, she couldn’t even begin to count. And yet, she felt no familiarity, no sense of understanding of the word.</p><p>Every time they had settled into a new state or a new city, her mother would attempt to placate her qualms with a “home sweet home Gi!”, only to have to hear it all over again no more than a year later, in a new house, surrounded by boxes of memories and brand new strangers.</p><p>‘Home’, and the concept of having such a thing, was a word Gina simply didn’t know. Home, to her, meant nothing more than something she’d never had.</p><p>She’s never had a place to know. A place to belong.</p><p>When she wracks her mind for the meaning of such a word, she immediately goes to three things.</p><p>Belonging.<br/>Security.<br/>Stability.</p><p>Three things she feels so deeply emanate within her, three things that bubble out of the very essence of the moment, as she sits alongside Ricky, in his car, pulled into the drive thru of the first fast food place they could find, straight after they’d left the skatepark.</p><p>“No, listen here Ballerina,” her lips quirk up into a smile as she hears the nickname he’d given to her, one he’d so frequently used, yet hearing it right now is like hearing it for the first time all over again, “there’s no way the second bullet could’ve entered JFK’s body the way it did, if it was Lee Harvey Oswald that had shot it.”</p><p>“You’re so dumb.” She shoves a handful of oily chips into her mouth as she watches him so fervently try to explain the intricacies and complexities of the JFK assassination. The softness of his silhouette is backlit by the dark light of the moon.</p><p>She’d texted Ashlyn earlier, telling her that she’d found him and to call off the mass search.</p><p>And now they were here.</p><p>And somehow along the way, they’d become them again. All it took was one night under the stars, at the skatepark, and things were back to normal.</p><p>Even just something as silly as discussing conspiracy theories makes her heart feel so immensely full, because it’s with him. It’s with Ricky.</p><p>“Okay no, what about Bigfoot? You believe in Bigfoot, right?</p><p>She swallows her food, pretending to wrack her mind for an answer, as if he’d asked an impossibly hard question. Then her face changes into a smirk, knowing her answer would be obvious to him. “What do you think, Bowen?”</p><p>She watches as he tries to justify himself again, throwing about random pieces of conclusive evidence he’s collected over the years, that he thinks point to the confirmed existence of Bigfoot. Including, and he ardently focuses on this point, the fact that he’s actually seen all 90 episodes of Finding Bigfoot at least three times over. Then, his mind leads him on a tangent, and he explains to Gina that it’s not at all hard to actually find a Bigfoot, you just have to hit a tree with a large stick, and maybe they should go out into the famous wilderness of Salt Lake City and try it sometime.</p><p>She rolls her eyes, dunking one of her chips into the ketchup that sits in the drinks holder that fills the space between them. “You’re gonna be telling me aliens built the pyramids next.”</p><p>He squints his eyes at her, looking at her as if she’s stupid. “Yeah, because they did?”</p><p>She purposely, and over exaggeratedly slams her head into the dashboard. He takes one of his fries, almost getting into his mouth before getting distracted. He ends up waving it around as he speaks. “No, okay listen - what about ghosts? You believe in ghosts, right Gi?”</p><p>She deadpans him, squinting her eyes at him, a smile still sitting on her lips. He raises his eyebrows at her. “I’m gonna take that as a no.”</p><p>They sit there for a bit, eating what’s left of their food, sitting under the all too familiar darkness of the night and the contrasting putrid brightness of man-made light, as car headlights flash past, and the neon light of the fast food place flashes above them. </p><p>“You know Gi, one of these days, I’m going to have to take you to a real haunted house. Just to prove you wrong.”</p><p>She rolls her eyes at him again, but that same smile still dances along her lips as she looks at him, as she looks at his outline illuminated by the moon. The beams bounce off his curls, his smile. They’re even reflected back at her in his eyes, deep brown eyes that all but glisten as he looks at her. Only at her.</p><p>“You’re such an idiot Bowen.”</p><p>“You love me really.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>Yeah. She did.</p><p>There was no use in denying it any more, no point in lying to herself. It’s all she can think about as she sits in the passenger seat alongside him, sitting in calm blissful silence, watching stray cats playfully chase each other down the empty roads under the light of the streetlights.</p><p>Her head snaps around to look back at him when Ricky breaks that momentary silence once more.</p><p>“Thank you for tonight. For everything.” There’s a softness in his eyes, a sense of vulnerability. It’s reflected in the infliction of his voice, which sits barely above a whisper. “I mean it Gi. I don’t what I’d do without you.”</p><p>She holds back her smile, looking down at her fingers as she nervously plays with her nails, mulling over how to answer him. “You don’t need to thank me Ricky.” She waves him off, looking back at him with a sideways glance.</p><p>He smiles to himself, unconsciously so. He turns the engine to life and the little orange buggy hums to life beneath her. He turns to look at her, smiling when their gazes connected, before turning back and placing his hands on the wheel. </p><p>She watches as his brow furrows, his train of thought taking a hold of him for a moment. “You never asked me why I was here.”</p><p>He turns back to her, at this time he’s the one biting the inside of his mouth.</p><p>She tilts her head at him, almost like she’s looking at him in another light. “I didn’t think it was important.”</p><p>He nods as he turns his eyes back to the road, nodding to himself as though something inside his mind had clicked.</p><p>During the drive home, they talk about nothing and everything all at the same time.</p><p>Just them, sitting, talking more, making up for lost time, sends her flying all the way back in time to Homecoming, and the way she’d boldly, and almost foolishly, kissed Ricky on the cheek.</p><p>The one decision that had sparked this entire rollercoaster ride of a time at East High. No, at the time it was less of a decision and more of a compulsion, in the heat of the moment.</p><p>And now, pulled into her driveway, she finds herself repeating back the words she’d said that night, holding herself back from repeating the actions as well.</p><p>“Goodnight Ricky.” She takes a deep breath, purposely ignoring the wide-eyed grin on his face as she pulls on the handle and leans the door open.</p><p>“Wait Gi.”</p><p>His hand wraps around her elbow, stopping her from leaving the car. Her heartbeat instantly quickens.</p><p>Could this finally be it? Were things between them finally going to shift?</p><p>She can barely contain the bright smile, her expectant smile as she waits for him to speak. Out of habit more than anything, she starts playing with her nails again, and she watches his eyes flick down to her hands as he hypes himself up to speak once more.</p><p>“Can I walk you to rehearsals again?” She lets out a subdued breath, one that she didn’t realise she was holding in.</p><p>“You know you don’t have to ask.” And even though she was expecting, waiting for him to say something to link the space between them, she was still smiling.</p><p>Something so simple.</p><p>She’s about to step out of the car once more, when she remembers why they were here in the first place. She turns to face him, shifting her body towards him in her seat.</p><p>“And Ricky - You know you can always talk to me about these things, right? We get each other.”</p><p>He smiles, blinking softly as his lips curve up into a muted smile. “Goodnight Gina.”</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. episode seven - the dance</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>And she knows it’d be foolish to wish for something more, for him to reciprocate those feelings. But she was happy. And so was Ricky.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Whatever residual feelings that hang in the air between Ricky and Gina go entirely unspoken and unacknowledged by both parties. They daren’t speak about the charged static that lingers in the air between them. They don’t talk about the way they throw prolonged glances in each other’s direction, or the way Ricky’s hands would stay on Gina’s arms and around her waist even after Miss Jenn screams cut (which apparently she does even for theatre rehearsals), and she dishes out their rehearsal notes, commending them on how far their chemistry had come since the beginning of rehearsals.</p><p>And Gina was happy. She really was. It was exactly how she wished for them to be. And she knows it’d be foolish to wish for something more, for him to reciprocate those feelings. But she was happy. And so was Ricky.</p><p>Everyday, before after-school rehearsals, she finds Ricky stood waiting outside her last period classroom, having walked there from his own last period - whether that be on the complete opposite side of the school to her class - and they’d walk the distance to the auditorium together.</p><p>And, much like the semester before, the semester just before she’d left, they’d laugh right into each other as they walked, walking there as slowly as physically possible, to make as much time for each other as possible. </p><p>And - when they’d walk into rehearsal, it was as though all their friend’s eyes were on them because they knew, just knew that it was happening again. This time without Nini planting herself in the middle of them. They’d walk into the room, nodding each other a goodbye, before going and sitting with their respective friend groups - Gina with Kourtney, Ashlyn, EJ and Howie, and Ricky with Red. </p><p>Even when they were with their friend groups, surrounded by their laughter and blissful energy, they’d still throw watchful glances at each other across the busy room. When Miss Jenn was another long. droning spiel about how important it was to make sure this show ran infinitely smoother than the last (which included several death glares in Ricky’s direction), their eyes, that is, Ricky and Gina’s, would catch, and hold each other in a claiming stare.</p><p>When they rehearsed their scenes, when they were in their, what they liked to call their “Lumiere and Babette Zone” (as needlessly dramatic as this was, considering they were playing a pair of household items), he’d lean down, kiss her hand as his fingers rub gentle circles across the back of hers, and call her his ‘Cherie Amour’. And the way those words fall out of his mouth so effortlessly every time he says them, feels as natural as a river flowing to the sea, as natural as the movement of the tides, as natural as breathing.</p><p>And - even as days roll into weeks - they still do not dare to acknowledge this ‘thing’ between them. It’s like the semester before in that way as well, she thinks.</p><p>It’s as though talking about the lingering stares, and his habit of walking her to rehearsals, and the fact that all the while Ricky was sitting at home writing songs about the way her hair falls across her face and the way her smile makes him feel so deeply within him, it’s like talking about all these things would destine them to falter once more.</p><p>As though talking about it will force them back into reality, back into the present. And as unlike her as it was, for once, Gina felt it was completely necessary to stay where she knew she’d be safe, where she knew where the boundaries between them laid, and where she knew she wouldn’t get hurt.</p><p>Because he’d still chosen Nini over her. She had still come second.</p><p>Ricky even gets invited to the Official Caswell Family Movie Night, (though the invitation only comes when EJ pushed Gina straight into Ricky’s path to ask him to come) (which ended with Gina’s coffee spilled right down Ricky’s front).</p><p>She finally had a chance to show him the world-renowned Youtube Tutorials, as they’d spent the entire Saturday morning baking cupcakes in Ricky’s kitchen. They inevitably ended the morning with a flour fight, after Ricky got way too cocky with the amount of Baking Soda in the dry ingredients, only being interrupted from total catastrophic mess by Ricky’s dad.</p><p>Then - when they get to Ashlyn’s (having walked together like they did to Thanksgiving, which felt like eons ago at this point), they demolish the food they’d spent so much effort on making, and they watch Stardust, and Becoming Jane, and Ten Things I Hate About You.</p><p>The movie night ended with them, together, on one couch, under one blanket, with countless words left unspoken and their heads resting gently on each other’s shoulders - much to the amusement of Ashlyn and Kourt and EJ and Howie.</p><p>Finally - late one night, a week or so later, as the ticking hands of the clock march towards eleven, and Gina lies deep within the warm, cushiony comfort of her bed, she gets a text from Ricky. And then another text. And then a third.</p><p>“Hey”</p><p>“Meet me at the skatepark?”</p><p>“Need your help with something x”</p><p>Immediately she finds herself sitting straight up, leaving that warmth and comfort, replying with an “ofc, be there in five x” and for once, she allows herself to think again.</p><p>Think about what he needed help with. Because with Ricky, it could be anything.</p><p>She hasn’t allowed herself to think like this since they’d made up. But the thought of whatever Ricky was going to do down in the skatepark sent her into a spiral.</p><p>Gina has always overthought, she can’t pinpoint exactly when she’d started, but it had become a habit, one to help her avoid the present, to avoid the here and now. But with Ricky, it’s different. It’s always different.</p><p>When she’s with him, when she’s around him, she allows herself to live in the present. Doesn’t let herself think about what could happen, instead thinking about what is. </p><p>Whatever that innate gut feeling is that’s bubbling up, reminding her that this could mean something, this could be about to become a big deal, she swallows it down, pushing it down to the very back of her subconscious, as she pulls a hoodie off the rack and heads out the door to make her way to the skatepark.</p><p>She’s almost there when, as she fiddles with the sleeve of this hoodie, she realises it’s his. She’s wearing Ricky’s hoodie. One he’d left here after the movie night. </p><p>No.</p><p>She doesn’t allow herself to think upon the implications of the fact that she’s wearing HIS hoodie. Whatever it means doesn’t even cross her mind, at least - it tries to, but she doesn’t allow it. Because if she does, maybe she’ll convince herself that there’s something there that’s simply not. Like she did last time.</p><p>Only if she knew.</p><p>As soon as she gets there she sees him - and only him - in the empty and silent skatepark. He’s got his hands tucked into his pockets as he kicks stones about the concrete, almost like it’s a nervous habit, like he too is trying to distract himself from something.</p><p>When he hears her footsteps on the hard concrete floor, approaching, he spins around. “Gi. Hi.” He smiles warmly as soon as he sees her beam at him.</p><p>She puts her bag down on the corner of one of the ramps and heads over to him, fuckinf one of her long curls behind her ear as she asks him what’s up. There’s a nervous smile playing on his lips, maybe a reluctance to tell her why he had asked her here.</p><p>“Don’t laugh,” he looks down at his feet. She stops and stands right in front of him, a look of concern painted across her brow, “You might not know this, but I can’t actually dance.”</p><p>“No way. I never knew that.” She scoffs a laugh, holding it in instead of laughing straight in his face, his face that was marked with such utter helplessness.</p><p>“What gave it away?” He smiles.</p><p>“Maybe the complete lack of rhythm? Or could it be the fact that we had to stay up till midnight just to get you to understand the simple concept of a jazz square?”</p><p>The skatepark is empty again. It’s weird that they always end up here, like this. A cold wind rushes along the still floor, setting off blades of grass in their own dance.</p><p>His eyes catch hers as he watches her fiddle with the sleeves of her hoodie. Well. His hoodie.</p><p>“Teach me to dance?” This time she does laugh in his face, but she apologised hastily as soon as it leaves her mouth. He’s joking.</p><p>The way his eyes are insistently on hers, almost pleading to her without needing to speak, tells her it’s anything but. “You’re serious?”</p><p>He’s serious.</p><p>“Please Gi?” </p><p>She smiles to herself. “Okay. But you have to come to Ashlyn’s renaissance fair with me.”</p><p>“Do I have to dress up?”</p><p>“Corset and petticoats.” She tilts her head at him, smiling cheekily at him.</p><p>“You drive a hard bargain Ballerina.” He thinks to himself for a moment. “But we have a deal.” He offers his hand to her to shake, but she’s away, pulling her hair into a bun atop her head, and peeling Ricky’s hoodie off her, placing it back with her bag and taking her place back in front of him.</p><p>If there’s one thing Gina took more seriously than anything else, it was dance.</p><p>“Take my hand.” He stands in front of her, straightening his posture as she commands him with the first step. It’s only them, together, in the still and silent emptiness of the skatepark.</p><p>When he takes her hand, his own skin is cold to the touch, but she couldn’t care less. She doesn’t flinch, she doesn’t shy away from the contact. She takes his hand in hers.</p><p>“Now, pull me close.” He hesitates. “Come on Ricky, I don’t bite.” She smiles brightly at him once more as she runs her hand down the length of his arm until she finds his hand, which she takes in her own and places on the back of her waist. He hesitates again, for a brief moment, but sure enough, he does as she tells him and pulls her into his arms.</p><p>He’s looking down at their feet, overly cautious as to not step on her toes again, but noticing this, she’s filled with a burst of confidence and she finds herself placing a finger under his chin to lift it up, so he’s looking at her. “Keep your eyes on mine.”</p><p>“But my feet -“</p><p>She waves him off. “Don’t worry about them for now.”</p><p>And he doesn’t worry, instead he looks right into her. </p><p>“You okay Bowen?” She asks, checking in on him.</p><p>She hears him gulp deeply, but sure enough, “Never better.”</p><p>Still in position, his hand still firmly on her waist, she tells him their next move. “When I take a step forward, you take one back.”</p><p>She counts him in, and they move, this time successfully and without injury.</p><p>It’s just them. In this empty skatepark, which has become so them, and they’re dancing under the stars.</p><p>Even when they’re not dancing, even when she’s just trying to demonstrate the next steps of their dance, his hand still lingers, ever present in the crook of her back.</p><p>Her hands sit around his shoulders, dangerously close to the curls on the back of his neck, and they’re dancing, so effortlessly, without any music at all.</p><p>Everytime he looks at her, it’s like he’s looking into her soul, like he can hear her innermost thoughts, and knows what she’s thinking before she does. He’s doing it now. Staring at her.</p><p>She watches as he opens his mouth as though to speak, but like countless times before, the words fail to form on his lips, and nothing comes out.</p><p>A spark of confidence, and Gina finds herself speaking instead. “Next is the twirl, so -“</p><p>Without needing her to tell him, he holds her right hand in his, and twirls her around on the spot, pulling her into him and catching her in his arms.</p><p>Suddenly that all too familiar tension falls across the silence of the skatepark, as she stands in his arms, in his hoodie, looking into his eyes, all too close to him.</p><p>Her voice is barely above a whisper. “See. You nailed it.” He just smiles at her, with his hand in hers, his arms wrapped around her.</p><p>And she swears, just for a moment, she swears she sees his eyes dart. And she thinks hers do too. Look at the space between his nose and his chin. And then -</p><p>She takes a step back. “I should probably -“</p><p>“Yeah.” He nods, quickly and abruptly letting go of her hands. She starts to walk back to her bag, the apples of her cheek all but burning up. But he calls after her. “Oh and Gi -“</p><p>She turns around too quickly, taking a step back towards him. If he noticed, he didn’t say anything, didn’t mention it. “I’ll pick you up for Ashlyn’s at ten, yeah?”</p><p>She smiles, brushing a hair out of her face. “I’ll see you at quarter to.”</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. episode eight - the renaissance fair</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>She squints through the sunbeams as she looks up at him, watching the concentration that marks every centimetre of his face as he ever so gently places each daisy into her hair.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi guys, no more alphabet show, two more chapters and then i’m free, worst experience of my life</p><p>working on original stuff though, so follow my twitter @mariiposies if you’re interested :))</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was just before quarter past nine when Ricky’s bright orange car loudly clattered, thumped and trundled it’s way into the Caswell driveway.</p><p>Gina heard it before she saw him, even though the entire house was thundering with noise, music and activity as everyone prepared for the day ahead. </p><p>From her room she hears the bang of the hubcaps and that incessant rattling noise of something very clearly loose in the car that comes from the back of the boot, even as Ashlyn was cinching her renaissance style dress in at the waist. Wherever chaos comes, Ricky follows behind not soon after. Or the two come hand-in-hand. It’s a toss up between the two. The point is, Ricky Bowen was so endlessly chaotic in everything he did. She should’ve come to know that from watching last year’s musical from the sidelines, everything that happened last year in fact. </p><p>But it’s like, you only really notice the little things when you spend so much time with a person. </p><p>Like the way he’d always be looking at her whenever she looked at him. Like the way he’d always notice when she was nervous, as she’d start to play with her nails, and instead he’d offer her his hand to play with.</p><p>She knows the others are picking up on it. She knows the others think they’re a couple in every sense other than the word.</p><p>She’s sure they probably think of it more so as Ricky steps into Gina’s room practically speechless as he sees her draped in the green satin, bell sleeves, and faux leather bodice of the renaissance style dress she’d borrowed from Ashlyn.</p><p>And she’s especially sure Ashlyn knows what’s going on when she takes into account the look that she’d just thrown between the two of them as they’d sort of stopped and taken in each other’s auras when he’d first entered the room.</p><p>She’s certain - because not soon after Ashlyn excuses herself, presumably having decided her presence was no longer necessary in the silent tension between the two of them. Every time she sees him feels brand new, like she’s seeing him in a new light everyday, every hour they spend together.</p><p>Once the tension breaks, for whatever reason (she can never put her finger on it no matter how many times it happens), she realises how he looks in front of her.</p><p>“Not dressed up?” Unfortunately for Ricky, he was wearing his usual - one of a greatly diverse selection of roughly two different t-shirts (one striped and one plain grey), and high-top vans. She says unfortunately, because there’s no way Ashlyn would let him leave without a costume. Which means there’s only one wardrobe for him to raid. She pushes the thought to the side to tease him again. “You’re missing out on half the fun.”</p><p>He smiles to himself, tilting his head at her as he finds the words. “Funnily enough, I don’t actually own any renaissance-style clothing.”</p><p>“No? Who’d have thought it. Lucky for you I know who does.” She takes a hold of his hands and drags him, as reluctant he is to get dressed up, to EJ’s room.</p><p>In his room, EJ’s busy stood in front of the mirror adjusting the Shakespearean ruffles of lace that sit around Howie’s neck.</p><p>She’s pretty certain she’s still unconsciously holding Ricky’s hand as they waltz into the room without notice, because when EJ’s eyes look up from where they were previously locked to Howie’s, they immediately go to Gina’s hand, where it sits, intertwined with Ricky.</p><p>It’s so natural she only realised she’s still grasping onto Ricky when EJ looks back up at her, eyebrows raised, at which point she immediately drops it, nonchalantly brushing off whatever EJ thinks he’s just seen.</p><p>EJ and Howie are both watching her with knowing smirks painted across their faces as Gina leads Ricky to EJ’s infamous costume cupboard, and tells him to pick one.</p><p>-</p><p>“Gi, I’m really not sure about this.”</p><p>After a long five minutes of Ricky locked inside of the bathroom to change, as Gina waited outside the entire time, he’s finally done.</p><p>“You’ll look fine, I promise.”</p><p>“No I really think the hat might be too much.”</p><p>“Says the boy that wore that hideous wig-“</p><p>“In my defence, I was just trying to impress you.”</p><p>EJ stands in the hallways, his arm slung around Howie’s shoulders. “Ricky, that outfit is bones without the hat.”</p><p>Gina shifts, leaning on the wooden door frame as she waits. “Come on. It can’t be that bad Bowen.”</p><p>“Promise you won’t laugh.”</p><p>“I promise.”</p><p>She hears him unlatch the lock of the bathroom door, and she slowly makes her way in.</p><p>He stood in front of the mirror wearing a highwayman outfit, complete with a black overcoat (with military style gold embroidery) and leggings, with a white blouse with extravagant full bell sleeves and an ornate lace jabot. The first was complete with a matching black cape, with a deep crimson lining and a slightly too big black three-point hat with matching plumes of deep maroon feathers sticking out of the top.</p><p>“I look ridiculous.”</p><p>She has to pause to really take it all in. Because it was a lot. He’s stood in front of her like he’s cosplaying as the Stand and Deliver music video. It was certainly … something. She stifles a laugh. “No, it’s not that bad.”</p><p>“You hesitated.”</p><p>“No I didn’t. You look great.”</p><p>-</p><p>The renaissance fair itself takes place in a large open green field just out of the city borders, which, at the moment, is covered in the most colourful assortment of fabric roofed over tiny market stalls that peddle their wares, as well as clearings for small stages and more green grassy banks to sit and watch.</p><p>They were all sitting on one of these banks, watching as a folk group performed, the twanging of the stout man in the front playing his hardest out of the banjo, as well as the taller man playing the washboard (honestly what are folk instruments) at the back.</p><p>They were sprawled out across various picnic blankets, lying down and looking up at the blissful and beaming sun. That being - Kourtney and Ashlyn, EJ and Howie, and Ricky and Gina. The sun was directly overhead, and the air humid, but Ricky and Gina were all but glued together at the hip as they watched the performance draw out.</p><p>Eventually, the others head off to buy lunch from one of the market stalls, the smell of cooked meats and freshly baked bread leading them by the nose. And now it was just Ricky and Gina. Again.</p><p>At this point, in the middle of the day as the sun sat highest in the sky, Ricky had taken off the cape (much to Gina’s disappointment) and peeled the hat off, away from his head.</p><p>Gina was laid out beside him, the curls of her hair sprawled out against the fern-green grass.</p><p>Brilliant-white daisies litter the grass, like tiny clusters of stars and she guesses what he’s about to do by the way his eyes flit between her and the dainty flowers.</p><p>He picks one out of the ground, gently rolling it in between his fingers, and she can see him thinking about his next move. Then, he leans over and places the flower into one of her curls, before picking another one and doing the same again.</p><p>She squints through the sunbeams as she looks up at him, watching the concentration that marks every centimetre of his face as he ever so gently places each daisy into her hair.</p><p>-</p><p>Later on in the day, as the sun nears the end of its arc across the sky, they end up walking around the market stalls, shoulders brushing against each other and all but hand-in-hand as they browse the goods.</p><p>EJ and Howie had ran off to the Ferris Wheel in an attempt to recreate the scene from Love, Simon and Kourtney and Ashlyn were dancing around a Maypole in the furthest field out west.</p><p>Gina’s hands fall to a delicate glass snowdrop, and she lifts it up to the setting sun. Beams refract through it, glittering the light. Through it she sees Ricky, eyes wide as he looks at something right behind her. </p><p>She barely has time to place the flower back in the hold before Ricky grabs a hold of her hands and drags her to whatever had excited him so much. </p><p>He brings her to a stop outside of a massive grungy building, screams emanating from its bowels. Reluctantly she looks up at the sign above their heads. </p><p>“Ghost train.” She turns to him, her eyes running over the smile of enthusiasm that looks back at her, the apples of his cheeks high as he waits for her to say yes. Because she can tell he’s been waiting to bring her to one of these.</p><p>Ever since he’d mentioned it in the car.</p><p>Hesitantly she agrees to go in with him, and once he hands the money to the person in the ticket booth, she interlocks her arm with his and he leads her right to the very front seat of the carriage.</p><p>It’s a tight squeeze, the cold metal of the bar pressed right against her legs, and - almost instinctively so - Ricky’s arm finds its way around the back of the headrest and sits upon Gina’s shoulder, his hand reaching out and playing with one of the curls by her ear.</p><p>She smiles up at him, and he smiles back at her.</p><p>There’s something in her stomach, maybe a warning sign, maybe not as dramatic, but has her waiting, expectantly like something’s going to happen. And it’s not just because of the eerie music, or the fact that an actor covered in buckets of blood could jump out at them at any moment. No. It was something more.</p><p>Something big.</p><p>Animatronics clunk and shift around every corner, like straight out of Five Nights at Freddie’s. Screams and guttural roars play loudly out of every speaker.</p><p>They turn into a blind corner. It’s just black.</p><p>An actor dressed like the girl from The Ring, black hair covering every inch of her face, runs full pelt towards them, and Gina finds herself instinctively hiding into Ricky, covering her face with her hand as she cowers into his shoulder.</p><p>He doesn’t even flinch.</p><p>“I knew you were scared!”</p><p>She looks up at him again, adjusting herself in his seat, really desperately pretending she’s harder than she is, that she’s not as scared as she really is. “No, I was simply just resting my eyes.”</p><p>“Really, looks to me like you were -“</p><p>Around another corner, another actor. This time, black teeth bared, and green zombie welts all over their body.</p><p>This time she can feel that he’s scared as well because he flinches too, his other arm coming around her, the palm of his hand meeting the soft skin of her face, as if that was going to stop him from being scared.</p><p>He buries his head into her neck, bracing for another jump scare. But it doesn’t come. So he sits back up. And looks at her. </p><p>She looks up at him. And she swears, just for however brief a moment, his eyes glance down to her lips. And her eyes glance down to his.</p><p>It’s like the room’s coming in as it finally boils down to this moment, however long this has been brewing between them.</p><p>Almost unconsciously so, she leans towards him, leans up at him. His hand still sits on her cheek, and she can feel it pulling her in like a siren song.</p><p>She finally lets her eyes flutter shut as she waits for it to happen, waiting for things to finally shift after so long in the making. Waiting for his lips to collide with hers and they can finally be them, so she can finally tell him how she’s really felt this entire time. Waiting for -</p><p>“RARGH”</p><p>Someone screams, peeling through a wall and clambering right onto the front of the cart.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. episode nine - the confession</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Then, so intrusive and loud in her mind, she thinks of one more thing. One more thought that sends her stomach falling, twirling, leaping, and bounding like her brain had just handed it a parachute and said “Go!”.</p><p>Her mind thinks of one thing. The one thing she thought of saying most. The one thing she had never said to Ricky.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>surprise :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s opening night. The majority of the day had been spent buzzing around East High’s halls like busy bees. And there’s decidedly even more buzz throughout the crowd as they sit down from one last pep talk from the Queen Bee (the Queen Bee being Kourtney - Miss Jenn doesn’t have the power to hold a room in the way Kourtney does). She wishes them all blessings, love, and good luck. There’s further simmering bumbling as the crowd collectively heads to the auditorium, to view the finished stage for the very first time.</p><p>It looked amazing. Just as magnificent as it had looked in the numerous times Miss Jenn had forced them to watch the original film for ‘homework’. The main village set, filled with cardboard cutouts of great thatched rooves, cream walls covered in minuscule paintings of tiny multi-coloured flowers, sat on a larger rotating stage (that High School Musical money must’ve really come in clutch), that, with one flick of a lever off in the wings, could be spun around and transformed into a magnificent ballroom. Grandiose, complete with the overhead shimmering of a glass-blown chandelier (almost too realistic for the not-so-amazing prop department of East High to have done completely by themselves, Gina thinks. EJ’s trust fund cheque was clearly quite helpful).</p><p>Ashlyn and Kourtney stand close by, their mouths agape as they too looked upon the splendor of the stage in front of them. Ashlyn quickly grabbed a hold of Gina’s hand and pulled her up the staircase which sat like a beacon right in the centre of the stage.</p><p>Gina had never seen anything like it. Even the staircase banner, which met her hand, cold to the touch, as she slowly clambered up the stairs, seemed like it could belong in a real staircase, graced by the presence of real princesses. It almost seemed wrong that it was forced to live out its life in a shitty (full offense to Miss Jenn’s abominable planning skills here (yet again she had to have her ass saved by Mr Mazzarra)) high school musical.</p><p>One thought sticks out in Gina’s mind like a sore thumb, however. That would be the fact that she’d barely seen Ricky all day. He waved her hello in the hallway as she passed by him in a hurry, but that was it. Maybe it was the adrenaline of the pep-talk, but she hadn’t even seen him then.</p><p>She smiles as she watches EJ and Howie waltz their way across the ballroom, capturing the attention of the stage itself, but she can’t help but to think of Ricky.</p><p>Especially all that had transpired during the last musical. She ignores it, of course. Like she always does. You just have to live in the present, in the right here, and the right now. She’s sure she’s told Ricky that before. That and so much other. Her mind immediately thinks to what she’d told Ricky in the car park, after the one rehearsal, the one where she’d said the wrong name all too loudly. You got the girl, didn’t you? The girl who wasn’t here tonight. The girl who was probably having the time of her life off in the big city, improvising a scene to a scenario that wouldn’t actually help a potential acting career in any way. (That’s what drama schools did, right? Forced stuck up theatre kids to improv to something like “Aliens come down to Earth and think toasters are Gods?” And then send them back into society thinking they’re suddenly Kate Winslet).</p><p>Then, so intrusive and loud in her mind, she thinks of one more thing. One more thought that sends her stomach falling, twirling, leaping, and bounding like her brain had just handed it a parachute and said “Go!”.</p><p>Her mind thinks of one thing. The one thing she thought of saying most. The one thing she had never said to Ricky.</p><p>-</p><p>She’s in the changing room, alone, adding the final finishing touches to her hair. A bobby pin there to hold the maid’s hat that sat atop her head in place, and a final once over with hairspray. There.</p><p>Sure, it wasn’t impressive as the Belle dress - she twirls in front of the mirror, letting the black feathers that surround her waist float up a little - but it would do. She sits back in the chair in front of the vanity, smoothing out the last pieces of her hair, putting a vivid red lipstick over her lips. </p><p>Ricky suddenly appears in the mirror, leaned up on one leg against the doorway, silhouetted by the harsh LED lights of the school corridor. Her head spins all the way around, and her eyes plant on him.</p><p>He was dressed head-to-toe in a golden suit, complete with an all too large ruffle right around his neck, almost reminiscent of the one Howie had strung around his neck on the day of the Renaissance Fair.</p><p>The Renaissance Fair. She knows she shouldn’t be she allows her mind to slip, and she allows herself to think about how close everything had gotten to being right. And yet.</p><p>But again, like so many times before, maybe foolishly so, she ignores it. She pushes it down and stands up out of the chair, walking over to Ricky. He smiles sheepishly at her.</p><p>“I like this.” She flicks the wick, what’s supposed to be the flame, but just looks like every single scrap of orange fabric the costume kids could find was haphazardly glued to the top of an over the top white Georgian wig. (Another item stolen from EJ’s extensive costume wardrobe at home, she assumes.)</p><p>Ricky shakes his head and the ‘flame’ wiggles in conjunction, not quite flickering but, hey - they probably spent three-quarters of the costume funds on the Belle dress, so again, she didn’t exactly have the right to complain.</p><p>“Well, I like these.” He leans down and ruffles the feathers upon Gina’s skirt. She smiles down at him. </p><p>“Real ostrich I’ll have you know.” </p><p>Natalie Bagley (who Gina was still slightly resentful of for prematurely pulling her out the hug she’d had with Ricky after they saved Miss Jenn’s ass) peers her head around the corner, telling them that they’re on in five.</p><p>Gina sucks a breath in. “This is it.” She sings.</p><p>Ricky looks down at his feet, kicking at nothing in particular. “This is it.” He repeats. Noticeably less sing-songy than Gina had. He’s quiet.</p><p>“Are you okay?” She asks him. He just nods, dismissively.</p><p>“Just nervous.” He chuckles to his feet. His mind was everywhere but here.</p><p>“Okay, but you’re excited too, right? Not to panic you but its slightly too late to back out now. By the way. Not to add to your anxiety or anything.” She adds.</p><p>He sucks in, smiling and looking straight at her. “Nervous and excited, and -”</p><p>“Ready.” They both say at the same time.</p><p>“Hey Ricky,” she moves closer to him. “It’ll be okay. Miss Jenn didn’t force us to rehearse like, three times a day for no reason.” She smiles reassuringly. He smiles back. But she can see it in his eyes, how his mind wanders, thinking to something else.</p><p>She plays with her fingernails, taking a deep breath in. “Listen, if it’s about last year, I just wanted to say that -”</p><p>Their ears prick up as they hear their cue.</p><p>Ricky holds his arm out for Gina to take. “Be my guest.”</p><p>She looks at him, her face flat. “Haha. Very funny.”</p><p>And then she takes his arm. His free hand comes around to fall upon her arm, his thumb rubbing circles upon her bare skin.</p><p>And she’s sure she can hear at least some of the feedback from the stage, words she’s heard hundreds upon hundreds of times reverberating deep into her spine. But as they draw ever closer to the stage, all she can hear is Ricky’s breathing, constant like a heartbeat beside her.</p><p>“See you on the other side.” He whispers into her ear.</p><p>They’re in the wings. The big moment is arriving. She turns to look up at him, smiling slightly. “Break a leg.” </p><p>She feels his grip on her arm tighten slightly. He turns to return her gaze, smiling at the corner of his mouth.</p><p>The words that come tumbling out of his mouth are the ones she’d been waiting so long to hear.</p><p>“I love you.” He tells her, with every fiber of his soul. And she knows it to be nothing but the entire truth.</p><p>But she doesn’t have a chance to reply. As soon as they leave his lips and dance into her ears in the deafening silence, they’re swept onto the stage.</p><p>-</p><p>In the blackout between scenes, they rush off the stage at opposite ends. She has to see him. She has to say something. She can’t wait until the end of the show. The words threaten to fall out now. She wants to scream them at the top of her lungs. She just wants it out into the world.</p><p>Gina Porter loves Ricky Bowen.</p><p>She runs blindly in the dark behind the stage, under the cover of the curtain. Her hands are out in front of her, leading her through the shadows.</p><p>Her hands hit something and she stumbles, but a pair of hands catch her at the elbows. “Gina?” They ask.</p><p>She can’t even see his face but she knows it’s him. She can feel it in the way he supports her in his arms. The way he hesitates.</p><p>Gina decides to talk first. “Ricky,” Even in the dark, her building anxiety leaves her restless and she fidgets, she needs to feel something beneath her fingers. Ricky’s hand falls into place in hers. “I think I -”</p><p>He hears his cue, and he raises his head, shifting in the spot where he stood. “I need to go. See you around.”</p><p>His hands leave her waist and he’s gone again, leaving her standing alone in the pitch blackness.</p><p>-</p><p>Hurriedly, she rushes back onto the stage, feathers and hat stripped off, leaving her in a decidedly more “human” looking costume.</p><p>She spins around as she falls into Ricky’s arms on stage.</p><p>“Babette!” he cries. “You look so... much better!”</p><p>She pulls away from him huffing. “What do you mean? I thought you liked the way I looked before.”</p><p>“I did… it’s just… I like you better this way.”</p><p>She pouts, sticking her bottom lip out. “Then you were lying to me.”</p><p>He shakes his head, trying to pull her closer. “No… I wasn’t.”</p><p>“Yes, you were!”</p><p>“No, I wasn’t!”</p><p>“Yes, you were!” She folds her arms across her body.</p><p>“Well, maybe a little.”</p><p>“Lumiere,” she purrs, “I like you better this way too.” She giggles, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet.</p><p>It’s like they’re in rehearsals all over again. The weeks spent glaring at each other immediately after Christmas Break. And then the longing looks. The way they’d looked at each other, the way their eyes would search the faces of the theatre kids for each other. No matter how much either of them tried to ignore it. Like it was inevitable.</p><p>She feels it again as he looks at her under the lights. The way he’s looking at her. He isn’t acting. He doesn’t need to. Because when he looks at her, he looks completely, wholly, and utterly in love with her.</p><p>She smiles knowingly. His head quirks in confusion. She places her hands on his shoulders, and pulls him, right beside her ear.</p><p>“I love you too.” She whispers. </p><p>She bounces on the soles of her feet and giggles loudly as she runs off stage.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>They’re beside each other for the curtain call. They’re beside each other as the cast leaves the stage. They’re beside each other when Ricky’s fingers interlock with Gina’s as they walk back into the dressing room.</p><p>And they’re beside each other when Nini’s bright beaming face appears from around the corner, a bouquet of flowers in hand.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. episode ten - the kiss</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“It’s you, Gina. It’s always been you.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so guys we did it. the fact that i’ve finally reached the end of this fic in such a short amount of time is -</p><p>no fr though when i published the first chapter of this fic, jslur was the only problematic cast member. oh how time flies.</p><p>anyways</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She was leaning up against the stonework of the outside wall of East High. Playing with the hem of her jumper, she watches as her breaths rise high into the cold air above her, swirling in the stillness of the early spring night.</p><p>The beating of the music still plays loud, on repeat in her ears, plays in rhythmic time with her heartbeat as she leaves, letting her feet pass over the cracks in the pavement below.</p><p>But this time, Gina wasn’t waiting for Ricky.</p><p>“I need to do what’s best for him, and take a step back.” Right? That’s what he’d told her on the opening night of High School Musical. He was going to take a step back, so Nini could do her own thing.</p><p>Until he didn’t. And Gina had to be the one to take a step back, to stand back and watch, and watch as she whisked him away under her spell, and leave her there alone under the lights.</p><p>And she was foolish enough to think it’d be different this semester. Because there Nini was, with a bouquet of flowers in her arms, smiling at the faces of her friends as though she’d never left. And looking at Ricky.</p><p>Much like how Gina imagined she looked when she looked right at Ricky.</p><p>So she was walking. Walking away to be more specific. </p><p>Where she was going, she didn’t know as of yet. But when she turns left, tears threatening to ebb out of her eyes and pour down her cheek, she knew she had to turn straight on, and then turn right into the skatepark.</p><p>That night. All those months ago. When she’d turned up with nothing but a plan, and Breaking Free playing right into her ears. Now she was left but nothing but a broken heart, and open and raw memories of that song that she could likely never reclaim.</p><p>She brushes a tear away from her cheek and keeps going. But it wasn’t as warm as she expected to be when she felt it upon her fingers, so she looked up, and watched on as the heavens upon, pouring down upon her alone in the streets.</p><p>Of course, it was raining. And she didn’t even have a jacket. She was still draped in the feathers of her costume. She didn’t even have time to think before Nini had come over. She’d just left. She wasn’t even willing to process it.</p><p>And she wasn’t planning on it. Because this always happened. Stability wasn’t a word Gina had come to know well. She thought it would change when she came to East High. And it had for a while. When she was with Ricky, she finally realized what that might feel like. When she was with Ricky, she finally got a taste of what she’d been searching for, for so long - a sense of permanence, of belonging. And then, so cruelly, but so inevitably, it got ripped away from her.</p><p>Her hair was drenched now, her curls laying slightly limply against her face. </p><p>And then she heard the footsteps running after her, and him yelling out after her.</p><p>“Gina, wait.” She didn’t wait. She wasn’t going to wait for Ricky, not again. “Gina, please.” She wasn’t stopping. “It’s you, Gina. It’s always been you.” She bit her lip, brushing another tear away from her face.</p><p>“Then why pick her?” She turns around, looking at him. His hair was soaked too, his white powdered wig in his hand.</p><p>“Gi, you know it’s not that easy.”</p><p>She takes a step closer. “Is it not? Because even after everything, it was easy to know how I felt about you, Ricky.” She takes a step back. There’s a silence. Nothing but the hammer of the rain pelting against the concrete pavement. Then she finds the words. “You were the reason even came back in the first place. For the first time, I’d finally found someone who got me.” She plays with her fingers, but her jaw’s still tight. She’s insistent as she speaks. “But when I came back, you’d already replaced me. Like it was easy for you. I needed you to need me back. But you didn’t. You made your choice clear. It wasn’t easy for me. But I got over it, Ricky. I settled for friends.”</p><p>He takes a step forward, opening his mouth to speak. She takes a step backwards in response, continuing. “And then you tell me I wasn’t imagining any of it. And again, it was easy. It was like nothing to fall in love with you. But she’s back. And you chose Nini. Again. And for once,” she lets out a deep breath, but it falters as it comes out, “I’m fine with it.”</p><p>She turns to leave. He follows after her, reaching for her hand. “Gi. Please listen.”</p><p>“No Ricky. Go enjoy your time with Nini.” She continued on.</p><p>“Gi, it’s always been you. You’re the one I choose. It’s never been her. That night, opening night. I thought I was never going to see you again. That was it. I thought you were going to get back on that plane and dance out of my life just as quickly as you’d tray-o-graphied your way in. And then you were at the party. And you were back at school. And, in a way, I didn’t love Nini in the way I love you Gi.”</p><p>She turns to face him, brushing a persistent strand of her hair out of the way of her face, still looking down at her fingers all the while. “You infuriate me, Ricky. The way you look at me, the way you smile at me, the way you make me so viscerally angry, but I can’t stop.” Something inside her tells her to smile, let out a chuckle of a breath. So she does. And now, she looks up. Right into him. “I can’t get enough of you, Ricky. And I’ve tried. But it’s in vain because no matter what you do, however many times you choose her over me, no matter how many times you hurt me, I still love you.”</p><p>The moment this had all been leading up to. Everyone longing look. Every lingering hand around her arm. Everything.</p><p>He closes the gap, taking her face in his hands, brushing away the tears, the rain, the persistent strands of hair. He’s tentative. But he kisses her.</p><p>-</p><p>They sat in Ricky’s bright orange car, pulled into the car park of the skatepark, with Ricky in the front seat and Gina facing him in the passenger's seat.</p><p>They were drenched. They spent God knows how long dancing barefoot in the rain, like no one was watching. Because it was finally them.</p><p>Ricky laughs beside her. “I’m not gonna lie, I thought you were going to kiss me in the rehearsal room, after I’d sing.”</p><p>Gina bites her lip, nodding. “I thought about it.”</p><p>“Oh,” he raised his eyebrows, “You thought about it, did you?”</p><p>She shoves him in the shoulder. “Don’t act like you didn’t Bowen. Don’t think I didn’t catch the way you were looking at me.”</p><p>He smiles too, looking down at his lap. “Yeah. Every night since, huh, it must’ve been that night I drove you home after Hoco.”</p><p>She nods. “Ah Hoco. Don’t remind me.”</p><p>He smiles. “I still mean what I said though. We get each other right?”</p><p>“We get each other, Ricky.” She nods. There’s a pause, a moment of silence as they both look out to the concrete ramps in front of them. “I do wish you’d have kissed me then. It would’ve made everything a whole lot easier.”</p><p>“Yeah.” He sighs. “I was just thinking about what you’d said after Hoco. About you not doing dates.”</p><p>She scrunches her eyes in embarrassment. “Wow. I really ballsed everything up for myself, didn’t I.” She lets out a breath, leaning her head up against the headrest. “I just didn’t want you to think that me and EJ-“</p><p>He laughs. “I’d forgotten about that. You and EJ at Hoco. Wow. Time flies huh?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Gina shifts in her seat. “We should probably get back.” Ashlyn and EJ had thrown another party and with the circumstances this one was bound to go better than the last. “But about the date thing-“</p><p>He shifted the car into gear. “Don’t worry about it. Already got the first one planned.”</p><p>She raises her eyebrows at him. “You do?” He nods. “Wow. It’s enough to make a girl fall in love with you.”</p><p>“I’m surprised anyone loves me after seeing me in full Georgian make-up, with that wig as well. What I want to know is what nursing home did EJ find that in?” The powdered white wig that was laying muddied in the pavement somewhere between here and East High.</p><p>“You’re an idiot Bowen.”</p><p>“But you love me?”</p><p>She smiles. “Yeah.”</p><p>He leans his chin on the steering wheel, looking at her with those brown eyes, the silver of the full moon reflected wholly in them. “Yeah?”</p><p>She smiles, cupping his face in her hands. “Yeah.”</p>
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